Have a Heart

Happy Valentine’s day. I killed my husband.

February is upon us. It is still not too late to date and dump me before Valentine’s Day. The holidays are hell on casual sex and fake relationships in that guys are either afraid to take them on in any form or he’s some sort of love junkie pussy who is going to use the holiday to intensify his psychosis. Either way…you’re fucked. I try and put a positive spin on it and say when you phase me out on Feb 12th, I won’t take it personally. It’s all about the time of year and I don’t need to learn and grow as a person! I know who has my heart on Valentine’s and it’s Dromebox.com where you can catch all 33 episodes of Hello Cougar on demand and my Valentine’s special will premiere Saturday February 11th at midnight PT!

This is so uncomfortable.

Presents are a wierd and scary way to gage where a guy is on the spectrum of giving a rat’s ass about you. You’re damn right we read into things! If I have been seeing a guy for a month or so (rare) and some holiday comes up I will usually buy him something for say $30 and then a five buck backup. If he shows up empty handed, he gets the backup.This is a fun little system I shared with my mum where you get to have the experience of shopping for your man with an emotional safety net (and make sure the five dollar gift is a little hateful, like soap) This may sound like a hassle to guys, but we’re girls, loving nurturers who live to shop! I have often told my male comic friends to set up a wish list and get ready to clean up like a Motherfucker. In fairness, I only love to shop for myself but if I buy you something you can bet I really like you and you’re going to crush me!


Now some guys don’t like to accept gifts from women they are having casual sex with, and those same guys would never buy a fuck buddy a present, you are so beyond lucky to get an eCard, and while I understand you need to walk away clean and say day you never led her on (and are probably a cheap fuck, too) I feel like you should at least buy a girl a present if it is something you need for your casual sexual relationship, especially it involves butt duty. Really takes the edge off. and I’m not just talking about the pain, both dull and sharp at the same time, of taking a dick in your ass. Anal is work, so do your part. I have been asked to buy my own butt plugs, fast for a day, and wait around for sodomy. I did none of these but would have been a lot more inclined if I had been gifted with the set below. Whether or not this is an appropriate gift for Valentine’s Day depends on her sense of humor. I’m talking about the kind of giving that should be going on year round.Click and buy. If only butt sex could be that simple.


But if handling the big VD Dinner feels a little too official with the reservations, too many rules! (you’re dealing with enough of that if you’re still living with your parents int his economy. I feel the struggle of the beaten-down cub) there are affordable options to show you care for and respect a woman but don’t ever see yourself as being her father figure. Those name necklaces are retro chic and if you’re dark AF (and don’t like the thought of randoms knowing her name) go here. I’m not getting a cut off these. This is just me trying to help out fellas of all ages by turning them onto a present I would really love, a present that expresses mad respect for an independent women who you never want to have to support. By all means check out METAL TABOO.

I wonder if they’d make me a custom one that says, OLD WHORE, one of my ex’s pet names for me. Oh hell, I’m having a panic attack. Look, no matter which way you go on Valentine’s Day, be mine at midnight on Drome!

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