The Dark Side of Children’s Parties

My show on Kitten2cougar with Paris Kennedy wrapped a few weeks ago after over a year of Saturday midnights. She is incredibly busy with projects and if I begged her to keep showing up I’d be a shit friend. We loved doing the show for a year but she is going to be away so much of the Spring and Summer. I, however; will be right here, and have a new show called Hello, Cougar! premiering end of April. Paris and I remain best of friends, Valley-life partners and will be working soon on other silly, funny and naughty bits. It was great doing our talk show with the Drome crew every week, the comedians who guested, and Paris’ dear friend Tony was such a baller hooking us up with fun costumes. It got me thinking of some of my jobs when I was in my 20’s.
When I worked at a children’s theatre in the mall, I often dressed as Snow White and strolled around handimg out flyers. Sometimes I had a prince with me, other times he was too hungover. There was this Bavarian sandwich deli-type place (Maybe I should not use Bavarian and Deli together) called Spritzels that was big in the 80’s and 90’s and I used to go hard on their Swiss cheese sandwiches with pints of Warsteiner. I am not sure if this is what Snow White would eat and I didn’t give a fuck. Disney would have arrested me if they saw me in Spritzels smoking, drinking pints and chatting up non dwarves and the Spritzels Nazis weren’t too cool about it either. They told my boss I was scaring the kids and that I couldn’t come in my costume. I tried to lie my way out of it to the kid’s theatre admin but I was a few pints in and it was my slurred words against theirs. They fired me in my Snow White costume, which they let me keep as it had cigarette burns.
I put it to good use doing kids parties for this older dude who wanted to fuck me and all younger women. His name was Tony Ross and he has to be dead by now so I am not talking shit and I will say he had a heart to back up his pimp vibe. He hooked me up with some costumes like Barbie, the Little Mermaid and April O’Neal, the redheaded reporter with the Ninja Turtles. That was the toughest gig as the turtles were dicks, always late rolling up in some fogged out rape van smoking pot under the huge turtle heads til it turned to crack. I’d already had to stall the party for 40 minutes and they never appreciated April, claiming they could find another white girl and this was pre white guilt. I decided to show Michaelangelo, Donatello and the other dude what side their bread was buttered on.. Oh yeah, sometimes they would bring their dipshit neighbor playing the part of Shredder. He didn’t have the turtle ego but it was guilt by association and he was going to be out of a job, too. Due to my childrne’s theatre contacts, I knew a costumer who made me three new turtle suits for under a grand and I soon had Tony booking me and some straightedge types for the kiddie parties. I was making baller money as April but having the most fun as The Little Mermaid. I loved cruising through Miami beach in a long red wig with shells on my tits and cash flying all over the car. We did a lot of drug dealer family parties and often Ariel could be found in the bathroom with Dad, turns out he liked The Little Mermaid too, and she liked blow. This Ariel didn’t want to be where the people are.
While it’s easy to cross over to the dark side of children’s birthday parties, I have some memories even purer than South Beach cocaine in 1991. A girl of 9 wanted a party in the mall theatre (this was pre Spritzelsgate) and she had her own Alice in Wonderland Costume. That made two of us and together we played Alice’s past and future selves, with her birthday buddies acting out the Cheshire cat, the Red Queen, the Mock non Ninja Turtle, etc while I Morgan Freemaned and she starred. I could tell this was her favorite birthday yet. Her mom called me the next year and begged us to do it again but I was too busy going down the looking glass myself. I have a feeing she remembers her ninth birthday, though. I know I do and I hope that kid grew up and is doing everything she wants. She’d be pleased to know I am.
seen shit

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