Keep your body fat down and you’ll get to ride hoods.

Everyday someone says to me “Sally, you’ve never looked better.”  Okay – that’s me doing an affirmation, but if I left the house I am sure I’d get props. Seriously, I have the body of a girl in her early 20’s. She’s lazy, probably cuts herself, but somehow I have managed to push the snooze button and have a rockin’ bod at 45. They don’t call me butterface for nothing.

Here’s how I do:

Ambien– Beauty sleep is a must so you can wind down from exercise, etc, and nothing helps secure that like Ambien. I have taken it for ten years and I’m not addicted. Ask your doctor- if he’s cool. It’s 2014 and even a loser has “a doctor” so there’s no excuse. (I put that in quotes because of Kaiser) Ambien is also great for chatty houseguests, or drunk ex boyfriends who are basically one DUI away from a gang bang in county. You don’t want to fuck them but don’t want them getting fucked. Put ’em down with a 5mg and then talk about your trippy dreams in the morning.

 Cardio– You have to hustle your ass! Dont underestimate the power of the posterior.  Yoga, pilates, and lifting all great but if you read any major weight loss story it involves serious cardio. I feel for people with major knee issues but if your knees are just sensitive I recommend walking in Birkenstocks or clogs, not at night alone though cause no shoe is a rape deterrent.  I used to be a type who hated to run but once you blossom into a barfly with abs you’ll be fucking with the lights on. People ask if it was hard to start running at my age. Er, not as hard as seventh grade P.E. – getting beaned with a dodge ball and humilated in the locker room for having no pubes. Run, Carrie, run!

Steven King’s best book because it’s shortest

Kids – This is a “you or them” situation. Even if you are able to get your body back on track after giving birth, much of your valuable sleep and gym time will be spent schlepping them around town. I’m not driving ninety minutes in traffic to for a recital I’m not in. If you’re rich enough to be able to get someone to transport your kids, help them with their homework and teach them Spanish, you can keep up the image of the perfect family until your Affluenza- stricken son does some kind of street theatre performance art involving smegma.

Food – In a perfect world, we could eat healthily all the time and eschew alcohol and drugs.  Fortunately, there are ways to strike a balance between taking the edge, and your clothes OFF. The movie “Showgirls” has some great life lessons for young women. Harness your jealousy, don’t hitchike and most importantly, brown rice and vegetables!  If you have to have a comfort food try to make it an alcoholic beverage or better yet, something like a Robeks smoothie. Try the store on Mason and Devonshire in Chatsworth. The cute boys who work there do a great job and if you’re reading this Mommy says ‘Hi!”

If you do have kids, make sure they watch Showgirls. 

Sun– Friends in Florida look like purses I can’t afford. One of the reasons heavier set people look smoother in the face in all those fucking selfies is cause they didn’t go out in the sun in the 80’s, parading around like they were half of Banarama.  If you’re working on a porn tan now keep in mind that people will pay more to watch vampires not fuck.  When I look at parts of my body that have remained covered vs. those that the sun I wanna put pants on my head. Skin care is a whole other blog post but for now enjoy a quick protein boost.