Be Aspirational and Book Commercials

 onstage at CS

Telling jokes between dicks.

About ten years ago I liked this guy who was battling cancer. He explained his situation with me and of course I was cool with it, being way happier with a sick guy who was into me than a healthy guy blowing me off. After a month or so he was struggling with his treatment and told me I could do better. I told him he didn’t know my exes, it was the chemo talking, etc. Then he was more direct: He had six months to live and wanted to see other people.  I didn’t want him to leave just yet but I didn’t want to the bitch who nagged him into his grave so I stepped aside.  The good news is he is alive today and totally healthy. (This is what I hear- I don’t keep in touch with my exes.)  He also met an amazing woman and they started a family. He credits her with helping him beat cancer and tapping into his will to live. When I heard that I realized how much I had not been “the one.”

Once I thought I helped a guy quit drinking FOUR LOCO.  It turned out FOUR LOCO had been temporarily banned.  I hear he is now back drinking FOUR LOCO.  I also thought I helped him lose 50 pounds but the credit was more due to a combination of cocaine and the above mentioned aggression drink.  Maybe that  is one of the reasons why I love to do comedy. Last night a girl told me that she had watched me at the Comedy Store and laughed so hard that it had made her shit her pants. It wasn’t a sad story. She was hot and guys would still totally fuck her thru the shit.  I drove home talking myself out of the compliment but by the time I got home, which is 45 minutes, I had accepted the fact  that I had had a lot to do with what happened to her that night.  I am learning to let myself inspire people but I have to start with baby steps.  Thank you for your encouragement.

What I Like About You.

 

  sally

 In the Gut Room before I started exercising obsessively

 I perform in several clubs around town.  Here’s how I would rate the clubs in a few different categories:

1. Favorite Stage- I would say the O.R., the Original Room at the Comedy Store. It is dark, cool and wide while still being shallow so the crowd’s not too far away.  You’re nicely lighted but you can’t see them that much and you feel like you go into your own little world with people watching from three quarters.  It’s as if you are the subject of voyeurs and can get a  thrill off it. Okay, maybe not you- but I can. I’m not calling anyone a pervert. Hecklers are a real annoyance in this room, like a peeping Toms with tourettes, espcecially jarring.   

2. Best Drinks- This goes to the Icehouse. They use the biggest glasses cause size matters.  They are career bartenders, not pissed off comics. They are hot like Tom Cruise in cocktail, but straight. They have a special drink for me called “Sally” ( I know- real creative. Who cares…look at them) and they ask me how strong I want the drink made everytime. Some guys ask me by number , others by color of the drink. Hot young dudes making me Adios Motherfuckers to my specifications is what I would imagine heaven to be like if I sat around picturing an afterlife. I’m kind of scared to because if there are afterlives, I may be going to a hot place where I am tortured by the janitor.

3. Best and worst parking – The Comedy Store. I have a spot in the lot but if you don’t, you’re screwed. I used to have to use the pay lots and when I was broke, meters. It’s pretty humiliating to be hosting a show and have to run off to feed your meter. Getting caught in the rain running down Sunset and getting back to the Belly Room panting does not exactly give the show a polished look, as I am the host. Usually you hate the comics who run the light but when you parked past the Pink Dot you’re so happy these kind of  “One more before I go” assholes exist. They also have guys working the lot who will help me move my car at the end of the night. Sometimes we make out. I was so happy the store gave me a parking spot when I turned 40. Now it’s sad in a different way.

4. Best Food- Flappers, clearly Flappers. They have a full menu, not just bar food.  The observe the “Two Item Minimum” so the crowd eats. That’s better than hungry, crabby people. On the other hand the regular meals crowd don’t get as loaded, but here’s the deal- I don’t eat and I’m getting nice and wasted, so when glazed over food coma types are not laughing at my jokes, I’m numbed out.   Who needs comfort food when you have Long Island Ice Teas brought ot you by Jeffrey, my favorite waiter in the world.  I have never heard anyone bitch about the food or seen someone throw up and since I have to walk by the kicthen at points, I can tell you the cooks wear hairnets. Apparently the cookies are delicious. You can either be a foodie or an alkie. My choice is clear.

5. Best toilets- This goes to Bar Lubitsch who have sexy as fuck toilets that make you feel like you’re in Berlin before the war or at least The Museum of Tolerance. They have two big roomy stalls and cool tiles. It’s not just a place to piss, it’s place to strut while you hum “Mack the Knife.”  You walk into the club and say hey to handsome Freddy, the barman, and you go right ot the bathroom cause you drove from Winnetka and then you get your vodka on.  Admit it- you want to be me, and somedays I wish you could be, but not when I play Bar Lubitsh. This is the best bathroom since Michelle Pfeiffer’s in Scarface!

Intoducing Dirk

As promised, a picture of my new Manchester Terrrier, Dirk. My ex-boyfriend found him wandering the streets of Mission Hills while he was wandering the streets of Mission Hills. Depite the fact that DIrk is neutered and docked ears and a cropped tail (body kit) nobody called despite us hanging signs up and placing ads on Craigs list. We went by the shelters but my ex did not want to leave Dirk there. It is the best way for a lost dog to be found by his people, so we did fill out forms at the shelter and they checked for a microchip on Dirk- none. That means I’ll be taking Dirk to get chipped and making an honest man out of him. Isn’t he gorgeous? Manchester Terriers look like little Dobermans. That’s my greencard husband’s dog Bo in the picture as well.

I did a show for Bobbie Oliver a couple of weeks ago at Bar Lubitsch in Hollywood. It’s a beautiful little Russian themed club where I was performing with this guy, David Ury. If he looks familiar it’s because he got an ATM dropped on him on Breaking Bad. He’s a terrific stand-up comic and sweetheart. I am back working with Bobbie Oliver and her show Bobbie Olivers Sunday Best on Sunday, Feb. 10 at the Icehouse.

Saving Face With Bobbie Oliver and Sally Mullins

Dave's

Dave's

 

Saving Face is up on You Tube and Bobbie Oliver and I are damn proud of it. We wrote, produced and starred in it (go figure.) Chris Oliver, Bobbie’s hubby, wrote, filmed and edited it as well as playing himself. He had a scene where he was somewhat insensitive to Bobbie but after twenty something years of marriage, that happens. We play ourselves but just like in stand up, we blow up the truth a little. Saving Face is about two women in their mid forties who do comedy and are surrounded by young hot chicks,dudes, and people their own age, all of whom treat them like shit. In future episdoes we plan to have some older people crapping on us as well (Figuratively. Don’t get to excited. That guy just got fours years jailtime for that) That being said, Bobbie and I have a lot of great friends in this town, many of whom lent their talents to Saving Face and/or opened their wallets for our Kickstarter.

Cougparty

Cougparty

 

The feedback and support has been really great. I learn from every comment and see the good in it. If someone says “I expected more from you guys.” They may mean more cursing, nudity or drug use and they are impressed by our restraint. If they go on to say “I’m really disappointed,” it could mean they really wanted more of a softcore porn experience. Luckily for them there is so much free porn on the web. I think you could fill up your entire day surfing porn and never pay for it. It’s so refreshing to meet a guy who actually pays for a porn site, or gets perverted DVDs in the mail, or just straight up offers to pay for sex instead of endless calls, texts and emails. Where’s that guy?

dump

dump

 

Anyway, we are very grateful with all the love and support we received with our pilot episode of Saving Face and are working the second episode.. There are two ways to be in it- one let us know or just be talented in front of us, and two is say something harsh to us in real life and we will at least write about you.