Rough Delivery with Christina Carter

People have wanted me to have their baby.  Directors, athletes, and, obviously, Satan.  I shouldn’t have to list these credits but guys in this town think once a woman hits forty she’s desperately seeking deposits. Even if I were to want kids, at my age a child may have some issues, cause the guys I date are fucking retarded.  I’m grateful to live in an economy where men have learned to pull out – especially younger guys, many of whom are the results of their dads ballin’ in the Clinton years, living well and finishing in fiances’ vaginas. These kids then grew up t0 see their party parents get laid then laid  off.   Men of all ages now are busting their asses working 50 hours a week and still are not making enough money to start a family. Lots of these consider cougars and it would seem like the older woman gets to be a placeholder while they save up for marriage to a young chick, but that would be preferential to what’s really going on. Guys are working too many hours to even get laid. You’re only shot is to find some young dude with an EBT card.  The state is his sugar daddy and he’s DTF. (EBT = DTF)  But no matter if he’s working, hustling or on the dole (U.K. hustle) if he’s not ready to commit to a girl his age he’s not looking to be a dad. Another hint is if he’s calling you “Mom” while you’re fucking around, not ready to be a dad. Also guys who wear adult diapers for fun, not incontinence, are not going to be coaching their son’s little league any time soon.  Fatherhood is not for every dude, and many women just want huge things enetering their vaginas, not emerging from after nine months of sobriety. Okay, eight and half months. I haven’t had sex sober since ever.

One of my earliest memories of childhood was how I did not want to have babies. Before I even figured out how babes were made (My parents did not have that talk with me. We’re British.I learned it in sex ed from a lesbian PE teacher) I knew it wasn’t my jam. People insist you will change but I don’t even want to be around other people’s kids. They then tell you you’ll love your own. People are so determined to get everyone breeding they basically say It’s okay to hate children, have one and root exclusively for him or her – like a pageant mom.  Hey pageant moms- if you are too old to enter even adult beauty contests and still need to feel validated about your looks be an escort or do MILF porn or both. You’re creating a monster in your image. Then again, if you’re the kind of mom who wants to spend quality time with her kid and your kid really wants to pose in costumes, I don’ see that much wrong with it. I modeled for catalogues as a kid and never had any bad experiences, not that my Mom ever left me alone with a photographer. I think she might have gotten felt up.

I’ve been kidnapped and turkey basted by a Special Olympics Splinter Group.

A staggeringly attractive friend recently told me she was pregnant. That’s a lie, I found out through the grapevine as I’m too strung out to pick up the phone.  I tend to gravitate toward other childless women so there is always some intitial shock. Then I saw my friend was really happy about it. As  I mentioned she’s great looking, as is her husband- first thing I notice- so that brings me comfort that her child will have an easier time finding validation and they will make sure the kid is well rounded, not just sporting tight genes. Speaking of hustling, they have promised I can take pictures with the baby. Maybe check in with some of the guys I went bareback with over the last year or so, and see if they want to pitch in. I’m not looking for actual child support, but maybe a Starbucks card.

As a person who is always on the lookout for adult fun, I don’t mind if the odd kid makes a cameo, but my general rule is “Not in my house, not around my pets.” The coolest thing about kids, to me, is stuff like The Pregnant Man, Octomom, or those two people who hated thier marriage and popped out one band-aid after another.  You know the show- Jerk and Cunt plus 8. Keep them on reality TV and far away from me. Unlike benzodiazepines, I have a hands-off approach towards infants, toddlers, and anyone for that matter who asks too many questions and can’t drive. My friends who have kids would never make me watch them because they know I have an empty fridge and no toilet paper. This eliminates the threat of disruption and I feel free to be fun and at least let kids enjoy me. I’m not quite your favorite auntie, I’m your mystery auntie. I think there are many women in the world who live completely fulfilled lives without having children, and then there are people like me – who don’t want to have your baby.

 This week I am at the Comedy Store on Sunset on Weds. and Fri and Tao Comedy Studio on Saturday.

Western Elfin Mom – headshots by Dave Cobert.  [email protected]  for info.

My talented friend Dave Cobert took some new headshots of me. He’s an actor and comic who also really likes being a photographer. There is none of this “Let me knock off a quickie so I can pay my bills.” vibe about Dave. As a successful working actor he has a great eye for what casting directors are looking for and he’s completely affordable, unless you’re a major loser.

Adopt don’t shop! Fuck puppy Mills!

When he shoots you you really feel like he’s having fun. I mean who knows if he is- he’s an actor, but you get a long shoot, lots of changes and a guy who is just as focused as his lens. I can’t say enough good stuff about Dave and he can be reached at [email protected].  Here are some of our pics from a few weeks ago. They are raw but I’m running them by my rep before we get touchy.  I did my makeup on this shoot because everytime someone else does I look transgender. It’s not a bad look, but not what I’m going for.

My agent said this one works for hooking.

I’ll be at the Comedy Store tonight in the Hot Girls of Comedy, Friday in the Original Room, Saturday at Tao Comedy Studios and Sunday Hosting Bobbie Oliver’s class grad show  in the Flappers main room.  Yeah, Dave took this pic, too.  He does whatever it take to get that shot! 

Scarlett looks like everyone wished Amanda Seyfriend got to look in Lovelace

This is a regular part of my blog where I go and see a movie (this is almost as rare as a blog post) and give the lowdown on the smut, cougaring action and kink involved.  Last week I went to see Don Jon, written, directed by and starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. That’s an ambitious A-list and desperate D-list move.  Even before the movie started things were good in that my friend had paid for tickets online and I didn’t have to deal with the usual date bullshit of “I forgot my wallet,” or balls-out sneaking in. I’ve gone out with guys who haven’t paid for a movie since Y2K.  It was cool to not have to crouch down or pretend to be sick to not have to pay for a movie. We just walked right in. My friend got popcorn and a big soda but hadn’t brought a flask. I suddenly missed my exes. Oh well- here we are ready to watch a sexy “date movie” stone cold sober. Let’s do this!

Don Jon’s the pick of the litter

As you know from the trailers Don Jon is about a Jersey-style  dude ( Levitt, who looks half -Asian) who loves porn and getting laid, but once you watch the movie you find out it’s in that order. This guy is pretty hot for where he lives or at least hotter than his friends and can take chicks home from the bar without Klonopin.  I have actually noticed how handsome Gordon Levitt or whatever the fuck his names are before but I didn’t like him acting like he was the shit with that whole G.E.D.s are for pussies vibe so I wasn’t attracted to him in this movie.  I like wiggas not guidos, WORD, and he is easily the hottest guy in the movie.  The second best looking dude is an out-of-shapish brother and third a guy who looks like Sonny from Grease. Oh yeah Tony Danza looks great but I’m not into many older dudes, especially when you can see thier lip gloss, but movie make up is a whole other post.  Just be warned Don Jon is not man-candy land.  The guys and lesbians get a much bigger treat as Scarlett Johansson looks amazing. Jersey girls- I do think are sexy. I’m not bi but I think anyone who spends that much time getting ready deserves to be called sexy, and from havin done a little time in the fetish scene I know guys go crazy about a beautiful, dominant woman and will gladly let her wear their balls for earrings. Chicks- if your boyfriend is watching this movie more than once, he’s probably a bitch – and you probably already know that. This was the main thrust of the movie though, not his porn addiction, but the track that a woman gets a man on to where it has very little to do with who he actually is. I think this is an interesting social phenomenon as I see many of my friends have the house, the kids and hubby’s the walking dead.  I never wanted to do this to a guy- but I understand why it’s necessary. When guys do this to women it’s called domestic violence.

Danza should have spanked him. It would have been kind of hot

Don Jon complains how girls don’t like to take too long giving blowjobs, all want  the guy on top doing all the work, and no one wants cum on them. I watched this and felt impressed wth how slutty I was, the real deal. The porn he watched was pretty vanilla, T & A shit but I was wondering if the porn was shot for the movie or if they licensed a bunch of  Euro stuff, as that’s how a lot of it looked. I googled this but could not find out the answer. Surley some pervert out there knows. Don Jon humped Scarlett’s butt and blew a wad on his jeans because she wouldn’t have sex with him unless he signed up for night school. Later in the movie when he has sex with someone else he almost cries.  These parts weren’t hot at all. As far as comedy, it wasn’t laugh out loud funny, more just cute. if you’re on a date it doesn’t do much to relieve the tension, especially if you’re with some cute fucker who actually paid for the movie. It’s entertaining and stays with you but more amusing than funny. Usually idiots are cracking up all throught the movie theatre, but that wasn’t  the case, although the crowd was well-behaved. It’s sexed up so I am surprised there was not a streaker or at least a flasher.  Now here is something you do have to worry about, SPOILER ALERT- if you watch the trailer you will see that Julianne Moore has a supporting role. In the trailer she comes across a a friend who helps him wise up, not the whole story! Julianne is a hot coug in this flick with a major agenda, and she used her weed, her sense of humor and even hooks Don Jon up with free porn. The bitch works as hard as I do to get young ass.  I would have loved it but my date was younger (duh) and it now looked like I was trying to brainwash him. It’s not all Don Jon’s fault but that guy is never gonna call me. Oh yeah he’s young he just texts, but you get the point.  If you’re trying to be an under-the- radar cradle robber, this is not your date movie! Also not a good movie to take the family to, unless you’re into incest.   I liked Don Jon and thought it was well done but like the OCD lead character the laughs are wound too tightly. Also I would have appreciated the heads-up on the older woman/younger man action. I’m not saying make the trailer into a Cougarlife.com commerical, but if I can’t pick up on that shit, you’re really holding out.  I’d give Don Jon two and half stars on whatever scale you’re avoiding.

Thanks for not getting me laid, fuckers!