Kids Not Trending

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Rough Delivery with Christina Carter

People have wanted me to have their baby.  Directors, athletes, and, obviously, Satan.  I shouldn’t have to list these credits but guys in this town think once a woman hits forty she’s desperately seeking deposits. Even if I were to want kids, at my age a child may have some issues, cause the guys I date are fucking retarded.  I’m grateful to live in an economy where men have learned to pull out – especially younger guys, many of whom are the results of their dads ballin’ in the Clinton years, living well and finishing in fiances’ vaginas. These kids then grew up t0 see their party parents get laid then laid  off.   Men of all ages now are busting their asses working 50 hours a week and still are not making enough money to start a family. Lots of these consider cougars and it would seem like the older woman gets to be a placeholder while they save up for marriage to a young chick, but that would be preferential to what’s really going on. Guys are working too many hours to even get laid. You’re only shot is to find some young dude with an EBT card.  The state is his sugar daddy and he’s DTF. (EBT = DTF)  But no matter if he’s working, hustling or on the dole (U.K. hustle) if he’s not ready to commit to a girl his age he’s not looking to be a dad. Another hint is if he’s calling you “Mom” while you’re fucking around, not ready to be a dad. Also guys who wear adult diapers for fun, not incontinence, are not going to be coaching their son’s little league any time soon.  Fatherhood is not for every dude, and many women just want huge things enetering their vaginas, not emerging from after nine months of sobriety. Okay, eight and half months. I haven’t had sex sober since ever.

One of my earliest memories of childhood was how I did not want to have babies. Before I even figured out how babes were made (My parents did not have that talk with me. We’re British.I learned it in sex ed from a lesbian PE teacher) I knew it wasn’t my jam. People insist you will change but I don’t even want to be around other people’s kids. They then tell you you’ll love your own. People are so determined to get everyone breeding they basically say It’s okay to hate children, have one and root exclusively for him or her – like a pageant mom.  Hey pageant moms- if you are too old to enter even adult beauty contests and still need to feel validated about your looks be an escort or do MILF porn or both. You’re creating a monster in your image. Then again, if you’re the kind of mom who wants to spend quality time with her kid and your kid really wants to pose in costumes, I don’ see that much wrong with it. I modeled for catalogues as a kid and never had any bad experiences, not that my Mom ever left me alone with a photographer. I think she might have gotten felt up.

I’ve been kidnapped and turkey basted by a Special Olympics Splinter Group.

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A staggeringly attractive friend recently told me she was pregnant. That’s a lie, I found out through the grapevine as I’m too strung out to pick up the phone.  I tend to gravitate toward other childless women so there is always some intitial shock. Then I saw my friend was really happy about it. As  I mentioned she’s great looking, as is her husband- first thing I notice- so that brings me comfort that her child will have an easier time finding validation and they will make sure the kid is well rounded, not just sporting tight genes. Speaking of hustling, they have promised I can take pictures with the baby. Maybe check in with some of the guys I went bareback with over the last year or so, and see if they want to pitch in. I’m not looking for actual child support, but maybe a Starbucks card.

As a person who is always on the lookout for adult fun, I don’t mind if the odd kid makes a cameo, but my general rule is “Not in my house, not around my pets.” The coolest thing about kids, to me, is stuff like The Pregnant Man, Octomom, or those two people who hated thier marriage and popped out one band-aid after another.  You know the show- Jerk and Cunt plus 8. Keep them on reality TV and far away from me. Unlike benzodiazepines, I have a hands-off approach towards infants, toddlers, and anyone for that matter who asks too many questions and can’t drive. My friends who have kids would never make me watch them because they know I have an empty fridge and no toilet paper. This eliminates the threat of disruption and I feel free to be fun and at least let kids enjoy me. I’m not quite your favorite auntie, I’m your mystery auntie. I think there are many women in the world who live completely fulfilled lives without having children, and then there are people like me – who don’t want to have your baby.

 This week I am at the Comedy Store on Sunset on Weds. and Fri and Tao Comedy Studio on Saturday.

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Empty Stomach – Full Life!

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Keep your body fat down and you’ll get to ride hoods.

Everyday someone says to me “Sally, you’ve never looked better.”  Okay – that’s me doing an affirmation, but if I left the house I am sure I’d get props. Seriously, I have the body of a girl in her early 20’s. She’s lazy, probably cuts herself, but somehow I have managed to push the snooze button and have a rockin’ bod at 45. They don’t call me butterface for nothing.

Here’s how I do:

Ambien– Beauty sleep is a must so you can wind down from exercise, etc, and nothing helps secure that like Ambien. I have taken it for ten years and I’m not addicted. Ask your doctor- if he’s cool. It’s 2014 and even a loser has “a doctor” so there’s no excuse. (I put that in quotes because of Kaiser) Ambien is also great for chatty houseguests, or drunk ex boyfriends who are basically one DUI away from a gang bang in county. You don’t want to fuck them but don’t want them getting fucked. Put ’em down with a 5mg and then talk about your trippy dreams in the morning.

 Cardio You have to hustle your ass! Dont underestimate the power of the posterior.  Yoga, pilates, and lifting all great but if you read any major weight loss story it involves serious cardio. I feel for people with major knee issues but if your knees are just sensitive I recommend walking in Birkenstocks or clogs, not at night alone though cause no shoe is a rape deterrent.  I used to be a type who hated to run but once you blossom into a barfly with abs you’ll be fucking with the lights on. People ask if it was hard to start running at my age. Er, not as hard as seventh grade P.E. – getting beaned with a dodge ball and humilated in the locker room for having no pubes. Run, Carrie, run!

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Steven King’s best book because it’s shortest

Kids – This is a “you or them” situation. Even if you are able to get your body back on track after giving birth, much of your valuable sleep and gym time will be spent schlepping them around town. I’m not driving ninety minutes in traffic to for a recital I’m not in. If you’re rich enough to be able to get someone to transport your kids, help them with their homework and teach them Spanish, you can keep up the image of the perfect family until your Affluenza- stricken son does some kind of street theatre performance art involving smegma.

Food – In a perfect world, we could eat healthily all the time and eschew alcohol and drugs.  Fortunately, there are ways to strike a balance between taking the edge, and your clothes OFF. The movie “Showgirls” has some great life lessons for young women. Harness your jealousy, don’t hitchike and most importantly, brown rice and vegetables!  If you have to have a comfort food try to make it an alcoholic beverage or better yet, something like a Robeks smoothie. Try the store on Mason and Devonshire in Chatsworth. The cute boys who work there do a great job and if you’re reading this Mommy says ‘Hi!”

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If you do have kids, make sure they watch Showgirls. 

Sun– Friends in Florida look like purses I can’t afford. One of the reasons heavier set people look smoother in the face in all those fucking selfies is cause they didn’t go out in the sun in the 80’s, parading around like they were half of Banarama.  If you’re working on a porn tan now keep in mind that people will pay more to watch vampires not fuck.  When I look at parts of my body that have remained covered vs. those that the sun I wanna put pants on my head. Skin care is a whole other blog post but for now enjoy a quick protein boost.

New Headshots

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Western Elfin Mom – headshots by Dave Cobert.  finishthemovie@yahoo.com  for info.

My talented friend Dave Cobert took some new headshots of me. He’s an actor and comic who also really likes being a photographer. There is none of this “Let me knock off a quickie so I can pay my bills.” vibe about Dave. As a successful working actor he has a great eye for what casting directors are looking for and he’s completely affordable, unless you’re a major loser.

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Adopt don’t shop! Fuck puppy Mills!

When he shoots you you really feel like he’s having fun. I mean who knows if he is- he’s an actor, but you get a long shoot, lots of changes and a guy who is just as focused as his lens. I can’t say enough good stuff about Dave and he can be reached at finishthemovie@yahoo.com.  Here are some of our pics from a few weeks ago. They are raw but I’m running them by my rep before we get touchy.  I did my makeup on this shoot because everytime someone else does I look transgender. It’s not a bad look, but not what I’m going for.

My agent said this one works for hooking.

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I’ll be at the Comedy Store tonight in the Hot Girls of Comedy, Friday in the Original Room, Saturday at Tao Comedy Studios and Sunday Hosting Bobbie Oliver’s class grad show  in the Flappers main room.  Yeah, Dave took this pic, too.  He does whatever it take to get that shot! 

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First Dates

 My first date with Chad as dramatized by Exploding Pumpkins

 First dates make many people nervous and they wish they could just get thru them. I cherish the first date because there’s often not a second. Besides, I’ve earned it. The initial interest on the dating site, the emails, the texting – not wanting to say or hear too much vs. the basic human need to connect, being too ladylike to send a pussy pic but needing to prove you are penis free, (I call this the “I-don’t-have-a-dick shot”) requiring you to tilt your pubic mound at a precisely legit angle, we’ve all been there,and by the time you have made it to the first date you’re so damn proud of yourself you deserve get loaded!  And sometimes you need to get loaded. Guys are grateful I look like my picture, maybe not quite as good but the only thing they can accuse me of is being photogenic. I was honest and now it’s their turn.   The same guy who sent you 15 dick pics will ask if it’s okay to “put it all out there.” The truth is he’s just gotten out of a relationship, not ready for another one, busy, with school, job, errands. I repsect the truth I don’t have to like it. Cocktails!  It’s not like being broken up with on the first date it is being broken up with on the first date. Alcohol helps those pesky abandonment issues from flaring up. He’s buying I’m drinking, and we party on. Most first dates last about 45 minutes. I can get along with anyone famously for 45 minutes, even if in order to get  to know them better I have to sign a DTF prenup. Still, no pressure, except the pressure to do a shot or two, twist my arm – I’m numb,  and the guy lets  you know that if casual’s not working, you can get up and walk away. Except I can’t. I’ve had eight Long Islands. This is when you find out he lives really nearby.  Hmmm. some would call it subterfuge but this attention junkie is flattered and now I get to play the helpless, vulnerable shitfaced 45 year old.  One guy lived so nearby it felt like we walked out the bar and were immediately in his home.  He Lion, Witched and Wardrobed me! ( Such a great book – probably the last book I read)  After we bond a bit more depending on what booze he has at the house, we get down to the sex, which is his chance to break out a bucket list of every nasty thing he wants to do before he meets a nice girl. This is what I get for telling him I’m from Florida! Some of it I go for, some of it I wriggle out of as I can only be so cool for free. Cooler costs. I wish some guy would realize charity begins at home, in his bedroom.  When we’re done screwing I try and convince myself it was great for me too, and I take on a dude persona, high fiving my cell mate before I hit the road. He’s understandably forgotten that I’m a girl. I need to wear pink or a bow. “Text me when you get home” is the new cuddling, and were back to texts. I’m glad I did it, jazzed somewhere between a five mile run and doing stand up. It’s better than being married and on the drive home I check my sobriety by repeating with phone manners, “Central Casting- NEXT!”

I can be seen this weekend at The Comedy Store, Tao Comedy Studios and The Icehouse.

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Dirty Movie Review – Don Jon

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Scarlett looks like everyone wished Amanda Seyfriend got to look in Lovelace

This is a regular part of my blog where I go and see a movie (this is almost as rare as a blog post) and give the lowdown on the smut, cougaring action and kink involved.  Last week I went to see Don Jon, written, directed by and starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. That’s an ambitious A-list and desperate D-list move.  Even before the movie started things were good in that my friend had paid for tickets online and I didn’t have to deal with the usual date bullshit of “I forgot my wallet,” or balls-out sneaking in. I’ve gone out with guys who haven’t paid for a movie since Y2K.  It was cool to not have to crouch down or pretend to be sick to not have to pay for a movie. We just walked right in. My friend got popcorn and a big soda but hadn’t brought a flask. I suddenly missed my exes. Oh well- here we are ready to watch a sexy “date movie” stone cold sober. Let’s do this!

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Don Jon’s the pick of the litter

As you know from the trailers Don Jon is about a Jersey-style  dude ( Levitt, who looks half -Asian) who loves porn and getting laid, but once you watch the movie you find out it’s in that order. This guy is pretty hot for where he lives or at least hotter than his friends and can take chicks home from the bar without Klonopin.  I have actually noticed how handsome Gordon Levitt or whatever the fuck his names are before but I didn’t like him acting like he was the shit with that whole G.E.D.s are for pussies vibe so I wasn’t attracted to him in this movie.  I like wiggas not guidos, WORD, and he is easily the hottest guy in the movie.  The second best looking dude is an out-of-shapish brother and third a guy who looks like Sonny from Grease. Oh yeah Tony Danza looks great but I’m not into many older dudes, especially when you can see thier lip gloss, but movie make up is a whole other post.  Just be warned Don Jon is not man-candy land.  The guys and lesbians get a much bigger treat as Scarlett Johansson looks amazing. Jersey girls- I do think are sexy. I’m not bi but I think anyone who spends that much time getting ready deserves to be called sexy, and from havin done a little time in the fetish scene I know guys go crazy about a beautiful, dominant woman and will gladly let her wear their balls for earrings. Chicks- if your boyfriend is watching this movie more than once, he’s probably a bitch – and you probably already know that. This was the main thrust of the movie though, not his porn addiction, but the track that a woman gets a man on to where it has very little to do with who he actually is. I think this is an interesting social phenomenon as I see many of my friends have the house, the kids and hubby’s the walking dead.  I never wanted to do this to a guy- but I understand why it’s necessary. When guys do this to women it’s called domestic violence.

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Danza should have spanked him. It would have been kind of hot

Don Jon complains how girls don’t like to take too long giving blowjobs, all want  the guy on top doing all the work, and no one wants cum on them. I watched this and felt impressed wth how slutty I was, the real deal. The porn he watched was pretty vanilla, T & A shit but I was wondering if the porn was shot for the movie or if they licensed a bunch of  Euro stuff, as that’s how a lot of it looked. I googled this but could not find out the answer. Surley some pervert out there knows. Don Jon humped Scarlett’s butt and blew a wad on his jeans because she wouldn’t have sex with him unless he signed up for night school. Later in the movie when he has sex with someone else he almost cries.  These parts weren’t hot at all. As far as comedy, it wasn’t laugh out loud funny, more just cute. if you’re on a date it doesn’t do much to relieve the tension, especially if you’re with some cute fucker who actually paid for the movie. It’s entertaining and stays with you but more amusing than funny. Usually idiots are cracking up all throught the movie theatre, but that wasn’t  the case, although the crowd was well-behaved. It’s sexed up so I am surprised there was not a streaker or at least a flasher.  Now here is something you do have to worry about, SPOILER ALERT- if you watch the trailer you will see that Julianne Moore has a supporting role. In the trailer she comes across a a friend who helps him wise up, not the whole story! Julianne is a hot coug in this flick with a major agenda, and she used her weed, her sense of humor and even hooks Don Jon up with free porn. The bitch works as hard as I do to get young ass.  I would have loved it but my date was younger (duh) and it now looked like I was trying to brainwash him. It’s not all Don Jon’s fault but that guy is never gonna call me. Oh yeah he’s young he just texts, but you get the point.  If you’re trying to be an under-the- radar cradle robber, this is not your date movie! Also not a good movie to take the family to, unless you’re into incest.   I liked Don Jon and thought it was well done but like the OCD lead character the laughs are wound too tightly. Also I would have appreciated the heads-up on the older woman/younger man action. I’m not saying make the trailer into a Cougarlife.com commerical, but if I can’t pick up on that shit, you’re really holding out.  I’d give Don Jon two and half stars on whatever scale you’re avoiding.

Thanks for not getting me laid, fuckers!

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Intro to Winnetka

 

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Dig it- Stalkers!

My thing for sleaze led me to the West Valley, specifically Winnetka.  It’s next to Chatsworth, home of the porn stars. Winnetka is more about fetish stars, women who don’t want to fuck on camera but still need to pay thier boyfriend’s rent. It  still has  plenty of Boogie Nights’ charm. I live really close to the Miss Donuts that Don Cheadle went in looking for a bear claw. I love the big lots the West Valley homes are built on, perfect privacy for porn, horror movies, or actual domestic violence. You can look your neighbors in the eye cause they didn’t hear  the fake sex or real fight.

Romantic View from My Crebs Avenue Crib in Reseda

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I also have a tendency to move into places that the previous tenants used as a homebase for terrorizing the neighborhood in one way or another with their devil cults or shitty bands. You become the default good neighbor. Peple don’t care what you do as long as you’re not those people.  It’s cool to have the cops stop by your house and not be looking for you. “No, officers, they used to live here. I never met them. I’m functional trashy.” 

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 Got a a yard, dog and pants. Blessed!

I don’t know what draws me to these particular addresses in the West Valley. One person’s crackhouse in another’s shabby chic.  Maybe it’s the stillness of the valley that takes the edge off my PTSD not to mention I couldn’t afford a yard big enough for all my dogs in Hollywood, or even North Hollywood (Valley Lite). I get the occasional Jo Ho stopping by and could see zombies getting curious, but it’s me and the kids here, the rescued pets that is.   Winnetka is great birth control! I always thought there was nothing a guy wouldn’t do to get laid but as it turns out it’s drive north of Sherman Way. If the movie Clueless branded the 818 in general as geographically undesirable, then the West Valley is unfuckable. It’s impossible for a  guy to show up to your house in a good mood.  That’s not fun for me either. I see gas prices on the news- don’t wanna hear about them in bed.  I don’t expect someone to bring candy or flowers but don’t show up at my door shaking and empty gas can.  I know I’m 50 minutes for the grand-a month single you share with three guys on Yucca Street but if you have this much hate for the 818, it’s better we stay friends without benefits.    You’re missing out on a great time with a cool lady who has a huge yard.