Midnight Cougar

I’m impatient waiting to be interviewed about my show Hello Cougar live on www.dromebox.com every Saturday night at midnight so I’ve interviewed myself.

Q: On your reality sex-talk show show you are a cougar having sex with cubs aged 18 to 30 that you meet off Craig’s List. Do you fear for your safety?

No, as far as the sex goes, we are using condoms and I talk to the guys on the phone, google them, feel good about them. With the internet now there is no reason for a first date with a project like this. I do fear for my safety every time I leave the house though. That’s just reality.

Q: How has the sex been so far?

I have been with about 8 cubs so far and none of it has been bad. I am shooting for 6 months so 24 Cubs total. Someone is gonna be bad and I am sure there will be some more jerky shit, so I am fearful of bad sex and annoyance, yes.

Thank God for open-minded types.

Q: What made you want to do this?

I notice on porn sites there are so many pop ups that say “Would you fuck an older lady…that lived near you.” I wanted to prove that lots of young men would actually drive maybe half an hour or more to experience a cougar, MILF or GILF, hey just a woman, and many want to make it a recurring trip. So far no one has hit me up for gas money!

Q: Tell us about the casting process

I really appreciate the cubs who come on my show so I try to keep it as simple as possible and not get into tons of texts. I have been casting off Craigslist and my post usually gets flagged within 12 hours. It’s not iilegal in any way and I am clear about that. It usually gets flagged after a guy my age tells me I’m missing out, etc but they have to understand that is not the theme of the show. It’s about older women and younger men.

Q: Have you ever had a successful relationship with a younger man?

Unless you call filing joint restraining orders succesful, then no.

We feature up-and-coming female comics (#femcoms) like the lovely Kari Assad.

Q: You have been working with www.dromebox.com for about a year and a half. Tell us about who helps you put Hello,Cougar together.

Ashley is my director, set designer and safety backup and she get’s the guys’ contact info. She is my friend in real life and I get to talk sex or shit with her all week. I have to remember this is not her only show. Nolan and Louis are cute Jewish brothers who run Drome with her. They are 100% supportive of the show and Nolan is my Andy Warhol. I appreciate him letting muses my age have shows. A lot of mature talent is side stepped in maintstream media. What these guys are doing for comedy in LA is as refreshing as Four Loco and I also produce a Thursday night stand up show there called Girls Drink Free. They are workaholics and compatible with other workaholics. Just leave Louis alone and let him work. I have a Director of Photography on the show who doubles as my Man-Pet but I’m going to keep his name out of the press for now.My dear friends Josh Fong and Dennis Devine have designed and edited the fuck out of the show for me, respectfully.

Q: How is your regular dating life going?

I am trying not to date right now because I am so focused and sexually active as part of the show, plus all I am going to talk about on the show is how fun and weird the show is, and I don’t think a guy wants to hear me talk about the guys I fuck while he buys me drinks. Then again, if that guy is reading this, definitley reach out.

Q: Good luck with the rest of the show

Cool, I have four more months so will wrap right before the holidays.
I am meeting a lot of nice guys and getting to bond with female comics so it’s all very interesting but I will be going home to spend time with my parents for Christmas. They don’t watch the show and we won’t be talking about it. In fact, we’ll barely be talking. I’m proud to be from Florida by way of England and growing up there got me ready for a lot of challenges I have faced such as low grade overdoses and trouble with the law. I can usually talk myself down from a panic attack by looking in the mirror and saying “You’re from Florida. You’ve smoked crack.”


The Dark Side of Children’s Parties

My show on Dromebox.com Kitten2cougar with Paris Kennedy wrapped a few weeks ago after over a year of Saturday midnights. She is incredibly busy with projects and if I begged her to keep showing up I’d be a shit friend. We loved doing the show for a year but she is going to be away so much of the Spring and Summer. I, however; will be right here, and have a new show called Hello, Cougar! premiering end of April. Paris and I remain best of friends, Valley-life partners and will be working soon on other silly, funny and naughty bits. It was great doing our talk show with the Drome crew every week, the comedians who guested, and Paris’ dear friend Tony was such a baller hooking us up with fun costumes. It got me thinking of some of my jobs when I was in my 20’s.
When I worked at a children’s theatre in the mall, I often dressed as Snow White and strolled around handimg out flyers. Sometimes I had a prince with me, other times he was too hungover. There was this Bavarian sandwich deli-type place (Maybe I should not use Bavarian and Deli together) called Spritzels that was big in the 80’s and 90’s and I used to go hard on their Swiss cheese sandwiches with pints of Warsteiner. I am not sure if this is what Snow White would eat and I didn’t give a fuck. Disney would have arrested me if they saw me in Spritzels smoking, drinking pints and chatting up non dwarves and the Spritzels Nazis weren’t too cool about it either. They told my boss I was scaring the kids and that I couldn’t come in my costume. I tried to lie my way out of it to the kid’s theatre admin but I was a few pints in and it was my slurred words against theirs. They fired me in my Snow White costume, which they let me keep as it had cigarette burns.
I put it to good use doing kids parties for this older dude who wanted to fuck me and all younger women. His name was Tony Ross and he has to be dead by now so I am not talking shit and I will say he had a heart to back up his pimp vibe. He hooked me up with some costumes like Barbie, the Little Mermaid and April O’Neal, the redheaded reporter with the Ninja Turtles. That was the toughest gig as the turtles were dicks, always late rolling up in some fogged out rape van smoking pot under the huge turtle heads til it turned to crack. I’d already had to stall the party for 40 minutes and they never appreciated April, claiming they could find another white girl and this was pre white guilt. I decided to show Michaelangelo, Donatello and the other dude what side their bread was buttered on.. Oh yeah, sometimes they would bring their dipshit neighbor playing the part of Shredder. He didn’t have the turtle ego but it was guilt by association and he was going to be out of a job, too. Due to my childrne’s theatre contacts, I knew a costumer who made me three new turtle suits for under a grand and I soon had Tony booking me and some straightedge types for the kiddie parties. I was making baller money as April but having the most fun as The Little Mermaid. I loved cruising through Miami beach in a long red wig with shells on my tits and cash flying all over the car. We did a lot of drug dealer family parties and often Ariel could be found in the bathroom with Dad, turns out he liked The Little Mermaid too, and she liked blow. This Ariel didn’t want to be where the people are.
While it’s easy to cross over to the dark side of children’s birthday parties, I have some memories even purer than South Beach cocaine in 1991. A girl of 9 wanted a party in the mall theatre (this was pre Spritzelsgate) and she had her own Alice in Wonderland Costume. That made two of us and together we played Alice’s past and future selves, with her birthday buddies acting out the Cheshire cat, the Red Queen, the Mock non Ninja Turtle, etc while I Morgan Freemaned and she starred. I could tell this was her favorite birthday yet. Her mom called me the next year and begged us to do it again but I was too busy going down the looking glass myself. I have a feeing she remembers her ninth birthday, though. I know I do and I hope that kid grew up and is doing everything she wants. She’d be pleased to know I am.
seen shit

What’s in the Box?


Paris and I would love nothing more than for you to subscribe to our Kitten2Cougar You Tube Channel this year. Do it for my daughter!

As an older woman I am often hit up for romantic advice by younger men, because older women know what we want, and it’s drugs. If you’re getting it on with an older woman, bring a nice bottle of booze, a joint, some pills to blow up, some coke (yeah, I said it -the four letter word) It’s impartial advice that works for most quirks, so feel free to make it your own. Have a small dick? Bring a fat blunt, don’t eat pussy..bring Ketel One. You’re impotent, bring blow – blame it on that. It’s a fair bet to say most cougars party and have made choices that lead us to hooking up with guys half our age so these are solid tips I can give to millennials – anyone old enough to buy booze should and for God sake’s be a real man and get a drug connection. I am so burned out, not on smoking weed, but on dudes hustling me for that special someone, a motherfucking drug dealer. (Note to self: Don’t hook up man up with muscle relaxants and expect good sex) Yeah, I know, folks. I’m from Florida. It’s in my DNA and no one will let me forget it. I am constantly asked where someone can score yayo while they look at my purse. Even though I barely even smoke pot, I was told to get a weed card to “cover my ass” and that was by a cop. Some guy could want to roofie ME and he’d still have to ask “Do you know where I can get some roofies?” I want to make it clear I would never tell a guy where he can get roofies unless I were 100% sure he was only using them on me. I don’t encourage doping people and I’m possessive. But then even when I told him he’d need a ride and probably want to borrow money. I wish this weren’t the case. I wish millennials were good for something other than pulling out. It means so much to me when a guy goes out of his way a little bit and brings something to the table, something you can smoke drink, chop, blow up or chase. I don’t shoot, not judging anyone but that’s a level up, mainlining, though I do include coke in my list of party favors. It has a bad rap because it’s always a story of a guy who lost his job, house and kids but no one ever tells a feel good tale of woman with nothing to lose who enjoyed some cocaine and stood up to her landlord.
This leads me to another resolution. Don’t enable men. Let them find the favors. Although we live in a society that shows men ads with their free porn asking would you fuck an older lady…who lives near you? (God forbid anyone gas up their tank to score vintage poon), and back to the free porn, which we ask guys to rate.. Who the fuck is the asshole giving a thumbs down to free porn? What’s the matter? Wasn’t it free enough? I know XXX sites do this to get the community involved, but if dudes are jerking off they are involved. Lets not make a guy an MVP because he broke his stroke for a second to give a thumbs down. I’m holding out this year. The guy has to be holding. Don’t leave me alone watching the news about some chloroform creeper thinking “At least he brought his own stash.” Some of us can still party like we used to, and I want to with you. Who’s gonna make it rain?

This week you can check me out at Sal’s on Melrose and The Comedy Store on Sunset

Let’s Do This

My 21st birthday in 1989, clearly a surprise party cause I woulda had a keg.

I am thrilled to be celebrating my 47th birthday on my actual birthday, September 8th and to be doing it in a big way. Here’s all you need to know and probably TMI. I may be to amped up to answer texts so I am trying to be thorough, coke-mom style.

When: Tuesday, Sept. 8th 8P< to 12AM. No early birds, please! (That's a hot mess' pet peeve) Although if you are wanting pre-party dinner, the front area of Sal's including a covered patio is good for that! Where: Sal’s Comedy hole in the back part of Sal’s Italian Resturant, 7356 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles 90038 (323) 651-3822. Neither RSVP nor reservations required. Also no need to text that you are late, parking, not coming, still coming. I’m going to be loaded. Feel free to send dick pics, tho. I got my Android back.

Food and Dress: Wear what you want. This is not a Merchant Ivory film or a Robert Palmer video. Sal’s has great Italian food that I have never eaten, including $10 pizzas. Booze-wise they serve beer and wine. I will have a birthday cake there, provided by “Sugar Daddy” Dennis Devine who will also be snapping some party pics, best guy buddy reppin’the 818, so say cheeze.

Parking: It’s Hollywoodish so parking sucks but I’ve had worst and I host Comedy Resin at Sal’s every Monday, so tend to park on the residential streets South of Melrose, sometimes even close to LaBrea. READ THE SIGNS as even the res. area has rules. We got this.

Roast the host: Ann-Marie Symonds came up with the idea of roasting me and people seem into it… No obligation of course, and with a room full of comics it could be dangerous that people use it to work out jokes that have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! This being said the roast will go form 10:30 to 11:00 and we will do ten slots with three minutes each. If we go a little over and start a little late, cool. I’m not a control freak. If you have seen my bedroom (and who hasn’t) you know this… The sign up for the roast will be at a table in the back, babes. I’m starting it that late so Vargus can get his ass over from the store. There is no pressure, Hell, not even any pressure to come to the party. Like I said, I’ll be loaded. Get the word out and invite who you want, especially guys who can only get hard for mature women.

Fun Stuff: Sal’s has been really good to me ever since I started hosting for Dante and Rebekah there. They seem appreciative of comics and the business they bring, unlike some other Hollywood spots. No names mentioned but it rhymes with fig, thistle, etc. I know you will take care of Tanisha and crew as they hook us up tomorrow. There is no cover to attend the party (This ain’t the Clinton years with a Bush atiitude) but please eat and drink, or just drink – like me. Gifts are sure a non-issue. If you feel like donating ten bucks to Beagles and Buddies dog rescue in my name it would be pimp and if you insist on being a major baller here’s my WISH LIST.

Thanks for your time and now let’s get reasonably fucked up, network and make out-and do me proper by subscribing to KITTEN2COUGARS’s You Tube. See you tomorrow, or not!

Paris Kennedy and I share our Dead Guy Crush #DGC on Paul Walker, who wasn’t driving!

A Very Special Special

Impervert2Last year my hypnotherapist and I were envisioning a comedy special for me. Like all my dreams, it came thru in a ghetto fabulous way. If you follow me you know I’ve been having fun the last couple of months with Paris Kennedy on the set of Kitten2Cougar which we shoot live every Saturday at midnight at Drome Box Labs We showcase the talent of up and coming male comics then hang out with them, finding out about their gigs and sex lives. Paris and I also have all kinds of segments on the show like Dead Guy Crush, EBT Moment of the Week and Man vs. Machine, where we decide if we would rather fuck a certain person or just use a Hitachi. Paris asks the comics personal questions and gets the real story behind their dick jokes. We’re always trying to have them fuck me and it doesn’t always work but we have fun and we really put it out there, so tune in.
Besides us objectifying younger men, the show has been fun due to the creative team at Drome. Ashley, Nolan and Louis are very fun and open to work with and we’re really happy to be part of the Drome family, #Taboo, so when I found out I had a Wednesday Night off from the Comedy Store I asked if I could do a half hour special at Drome Box Labs, which is a swank TV studio in the heart of Boyle Heights. Apparently the studio is a converted theatre so it’s haunted (how cliche!) Good news is I’d love to fuck a ghost, I mean a real ghost not just a guy who vanishes. I’d love to walk into a bar and when I ask if anyone has seen some hipster dude I hooked up with around, Have the bartender say “He died in 1972.” Maybe the town drunk could add “That’s why he’s not texting back.”
Boyle Heights (for those of you who don’t and do live here) is in East LA and no one wants to go there so it’s where I may move. It has a largely Mexican population and rumor has it they don’t want people switching things up. Well, don’t worry, I just look like I’m into gentrification. I like safety and sleaze and I have been feeling Boyle Heights, plus it sounds kinda Irish.
Regarding tonight’s show it will be filmed in front of zero audience sans ghosts, and cameramen who have headphones on, hopefully listening to tunes and not a funnier comic. I am being asked if it’s going to be awkward. Yes, but so is everything for me, so is pumping gas. I grew up in a British household so not reliant on emotional support. I was the side bitch of my family, didn’t even get the accent. I do have the inability to love or be loved, which is very British. Don’t worry Fellas. I have a British accent online. Tune in tonight at 9pm PST at DROMEBOX.COM (reruns starting next week) and if you tweet @SallyMullins1 I’ll give you a post show shout out. I’m excited to perform for no one. I’ll basically be jerking off, and that always ends well.

If you want to see me at a show with an audience, check me out here.

Creep Aid


great big fat person

Having your own place makes you way more dateable. 

When I was growing up in the great 80’s the word “creepy” was used a lot less and sometimes as a compliment. If a horror film was creepy it had done it’s job. Now the new c-word is used on the daily, usually describing a guy no one wants to date, no one that he’s scoping out, anyway.  As someone who’s dated a lot of legit creepy guys, and can put out a strong creeper vibe herself, I’m about to pass on some pro tips to help fellas avoid the Raidohead song being your anthem (Although it’s eerily beautiful, and it’s still cool to be eerie!)

free lotion

Some dates involve lotion.

1. GOOD TIMES!  Don’t bring up something unpleasant as a lead in. If she had a baby at 17 don’t ask how he’s doing in school. Don’t even bring up the day job. If she quit stand-up, ask about improv. We don’t want to talk about what we miss, unless it’s a dude, and even you’re not sick enough to ask that. Stop being a bad trip spirit a guide. It’s not concern; it’s creeping.

2. WORRY WARTS (HPV) And furthermore, don’t play the cloying-ass worried card.  Once in a while a guy rolls out a “Hey, Stranger.” While this a retro guilt trip at best, at least he’s not playing the nice guy card who adds one more item to your to-do-list. 1. Avoid cops 2. Feed pets 3. Text dude so he can rest tonight.  Hmmm, he didn’t text back cause he already jerked himself to sleep and now he’s got a lead in for the morning.  Don’t be showing out with phoney fretting about her commute unless you’re a DUI attorney.


 What a guy does in his private time is private.

3. EGG BEATERS – Own it – fertilize your fucking Twitter egg with a pic! Social media affords us many stalker opps so you no longer have to rely on “I was in the neighborhood.”  When notified of a tweet saying she’ll be in Hollywood tonight, there is no need to play it cool and say “Hey, I was gonna be at Mann’s Chinese…   This is not serendipity; it’s stalking lite. Social Media allows us to put it out there and if you get the feeling you’re not the fly she was trying to catch, she may be too exquisite a spider for you. You may need to find out where that house spider is weaving tonight and social networks expose natural habitats.


That being said if you’re on the same dating site play that shit cool… pipe down on the peeping tom potential. “He,y I saw you logged onto Plenty of Fish” has an  element of outing and slut shaming going on. It’s like your chastising us for being naked with the blinds up while you’re rubbing one out in the bushes. Sorry to making so many masturbation references. I’m bitter that guys can do it without power tools.


Guys with hobbies and/or crafts are intriguing.

4. CENSUS – Sure, I’m heartfelt giving tips on how a nice guy with no game can avoid being scary, but a lot of these hoops need never be jumped thru. Chances are the girl you’re crushing on is out of your league. You know this but society has trained you to go for it anyway, and we get so many beauty and the beast couples as role models that guys can get confused. Unless you are hilarious (easy test: is everyone always laughing around you, and not just out of fear) and/or have money, you need to look at the numbers. If you have a cool platonic female friend ask her what your looks are on a scale of 1 to 10 and then go two points lower for THE TRUTH. Chasing anyone who is more than two points higher than you is a waste of your time unless you have deep pockets.

You:  Hey, Paige (Platonic friend, good eco-minded lady) I’m interested in how you’d rate my looks on a scale of 1 to 10. Be honest.

Paige: Oh, well, hmm, (looking around for backup) You have really nice hair and great eyes, I’d have to say 7 but if you were taller I’d give you an 8, not that you are short but this town is just so picky, oh now I feel bad…

You: Sorry if I made you feel bad. Let’s get some coffee.

Paige: Oh, there’s my boyfriend, see ya.

Now it’s your turn to do the math.  Paige kindly said 7. Are you wealthy – not yet.  Are you hilarious- just cause you have a weed card doesn’t make you the life of the party.  You’re an LA 5.  You lean too hard on anything above a 7 – you’re gonna look like a creeper.  But take it from me, 7’s are AMAZING.


Pets show you a guy can get attached.

5. PAUL WALKER- if you look like him or any of his siblings they were hitting up to do stunts after he died, you can be as creepy as you wanna be.  It’s not even creepy it’s passionate, active, alive, engaged, focused and a bunch of other things chicks love.  Work out eat right, dress cool and you’ll take the edge off creepy. If you’re just damn gorgeous, it’s so hard for you to creep it up. Jake Gyllenhall lost thirty pounds and wore a half-assed man bun in Nightstalker, yet felt barely quirky. Then again, my pussy has housed more pathology than Spawn Ranch in Reseda. If you’re too young to know where that is- let’s get a drink.

It takes more than a man-bun to scare me.

man bun


Check me out every Sunday night at my great new open mic @The Pig N’ Whistle on Hollywood Boulevard.