Hey Summer…You Whore!

The Boyz of Summer Comedy Special has arrived (notice that is Boyz with a “z.” I don’t want to piss off Don Henley) It features cubs from Hello Cougar, Comedian Maddie Hanson, me dancing with a werewolf and then receiving oral from said werewolf, and several different swimsuits, both one piece and bikini. I open the special in my very own “Haunted Speedo.” This is an odd piece of swimwear that truly belongs to me in that even smaller girls can’t get it on. This was an expensive item for me at about $50 retails but that’s the price you pay for monogamy. The rest of my suits are from Ebay or Tarjay. Enjoy, thru up a comment, subscribe, post it, spank to it. The special contains no nudity but I age restricted it on You Tube for mature content that is extremely silly, and of course check out Hello Cougar Saturdays at Dromebox 11pm PT, like tonight for example.

Both babes tweet @SusanSaiger and @Jennifer Valley

Drome and I are currently developing a retro dating show but we have been running Girls Drink Free for almost two years. I have had chance to work with over 150 talented women and a few shitty ones. Two of my favorites and new friends are these troublemakers, Jennifer Vally and Susan Saiger. I have known Jen for years as she was this hot babe when I got into comedy and she seemed to stop aging then and there (half-Asian bitch) and when she turned up with her buddy Susan Saiger I felt like I’d known Susan for years..truth was I kind of had. Susan starred in what is pretty much my favorite movie ever, 1989’s Scenes From The Class Struggle in Beverly Hills. I paid to see it twice at the theatre and you know how cheap I am. She was actually in several Paul Bartel flicks and is a classically trained actress who also does kick-ass stand up in LA and Vegas and look for her and Jen on the Cool Moms Comedy Tour. I must she she was really cool about me going into fan-girl mode quoting lines from Class Struggle. You guys are invited to have me in your face for the next two Thursdays 9pm PT for Girls Drink Free at Drome.

The Cool Moms hit the road

Can’t Keep a Good Coug Down!

It’s back.. the show that makes my friends talk shit behind my back (which I am totally cool with.) Hello Cougar is back on www.dromebox.com this Saturday night at 11pm, moving it up an hour for the East Coast, least we can do – those guys are way too far from Winnetka to bone me. It’s not the show where I play a character who has sex with much younger men, it’s the show where I LITERALLY (millenial speak) pick up guys on Craigslist, interview them and then have a SAFE casual encounter with them. This is reality check TV that explores the now-trending-more-than-ever-in-this-shitty-economy cougar/cub dynamic. Check us out Saturday nights and if you want to be part of the revolution and are a man between 18 to 30 email me at my cougarbox @ hellocougar1986@gmail.com. Dreamers, don’t worry. Trump’s not watching. Older guys, check out the hot female comics on our show. They could use benefactors. Watch our sizzle reel below to see what you’re getting yourself into.

Love for Larry

I’m jazzed about this vid!

I had the great experience of hosting a benefit for a true fan of comedy, Larry Dunn, a couple of months back hosted by Comedy Resin and Philo Films and Issues. The gig went down at Sal’s Comedy Hole and it’s one of a few efforts we have had there to get Larry a van. He needs a van to get to his volunteer position as well as visit his family and come out and support live comedy (which in LA is considered a good cause) Larry has seen my comedy grow thru the years and long before I was hosting a benefit for him he watched me at Flappers. I want him to have the van so he can pile his buddies in it and we will have the best crowd ever to play to.
It really hit home to me because I have dated so many dudes who have car issues and are not motivated to take the bus. Larry is dealing with incredible physical obstacles and still takes the bus to get to his job helping others at the Rancho Los Amigos Rehabilitation Center. I wish we lived in a world where someone as productive as Larry could be given his own van by the government but we don’t. If comics or anyone reading this would give a little to his Go Fund Me it would make my day and I can tell you Larry will make it a point to give back by supporting you at a gig. Please check out Larry’s GO FUND ME and be the baller you want to be.

Have a Heart

Happy Valentine’s day. I killed my husband.

February is upon us. It is still not too late to date and dump me before Valentine’s Day. The holidays are hell on casual sex and fake relationships in that guys are either afraid to take them on in any form or he’s some sort of love junkie pussy who is going to use the holiday to intensify his psychosis. Either way…you’re fucked. I try and put a positive spin on it and say when you phase me out on Feb 12th, I won’t take it personally. It’s all about the time of year and I don’t need to learn and grow as a person! I know who has my heart on Valentine’s and it’s Dromebox.com where you can catch all 33 episodes of Hello Cougar on demand and my Valentine’s special will premiere Saturday February 11th at midnight PT!

This is so uncomfortable.

Presents are a wierd and scary way to gage where a guy is on the spectrum of giving a rat’s ass about you. You’re damn right we read into things! If I have been seeing a guy for a month or so (rare) and some holiday comes up I will usually buy him something for say $30 and then a five buck backup. If he shows up empty handed, he gets the backup.This is a fun little system I shared with my mum where you get to have the experience of shopping for your man with an emotional safety net (and make sure the five dollar gift is a little hateful, like soap) This may sound like a hassle to guys, but we’re girls, loving nurturers who live to shop! I have often told my male comic friends to set up a wish list and get ready to clean up like a Motherfucker. In fairness, I only love to shop for myself but if I buy you something you can bet I really like you and you’re going to crush me!


Now some guys don’t like to accept gifts from women they are having casual sex with, and those same guys would never buy a fuck buddy a present, you are so beyond lucky to get an eCard, and while I understand you need to walk away clean and say day you never led her on (and are probably a cheap fuck, too) I feel like you should at least buy a girl a present if it is something you need for your casual sexual relationship, especially it involves butt duty. Really takes the edge off. and I’m not just talking about the pain, both dull and sharp at the same time, of taking a dick in your ass. Anal is work, so do your part. I have been asked to buy my own butt plugs, fast for a day, and wait around for sodomy. I did none of these but would have been a lot more inclined if I had been gifted with the set below. Whether or not this is an appropriate gift for Valentine’s Day depends on her sense of humor. I’m talking about the kind of giving that should be going on year round.Click and buy. If only butt sex could be that simple.


But if handling the big VD Dinner feels a little too official with the reservations, too many rules! (you’re dealing with enough of that if you’re still living with your parents int his economy. I feel the struggle of the beaten-down cub) there are affordable options to show you care for and respect a woman but don’t ever see yourself as being her father figure. Those name necklaces are retro chic and if you’re dark AF (and don’t like the thought of randoms knowing her name) go here. I’m not getting a cut off these. This is just me trying to help out fellas of all ages by turning them onto a present I would really love, a present that expresses mad respect for an independent women who you never want to have to support. By all means check out METAL TABOO.

I wonder if they’d make me a custom one that says, OLD WHORE, one of my ex’s pet names for me. Oh hell, I’m having a panic attack. Look, no matter which way you go on Valentine’s Day, be mine at midnight on Drome!

Midnight Cougar

I’m impatient waiting to be interviewed about my show Hello Cougar live on www.dromebox.com every Saturday night at midnight so I’ve interviewed myself.

Q: On your reality sex-talk show show you are a cougar having sex with cubs aged 18 to 30 that you meet off Craig’s List. Do you fear for your safety?

No, as far as the sex goes, we are using condoms and I talk to the guys on the phone, google them, feel good about them. With the internet now there is no reason for a first date with a project like this. I do fear for my safety every time I leave the house though. That’s just reality.

Q: How has the sex been so far?

I have been with about 8 cubs so far and none of it has been bad. I am shooting for 6 months so 24 Cubs total. Someone is gonna be bad and I am sure there will be some more jerky shit, so I am fearful of bad sex and annoyance, yes.

Thank God for open-minded types.

Q: What made you want to do this?

I notice on porn sites there are so many pop ups that say “Would you fuck an older lady…that lived near you.” I wanted to prove that lots of young men would actually drive maybe half an hour or more to experience a cougar, MILF or GILF, hey just a woman, and many want to make it a recurring trip. So far no one has hit me up for gas money!

Q: Tell us about the casting process

I really appreciate the cubs who come on my show so I try to keep it as simple as possible and not get into tons of texts. I have been casting off Craigslist and my post usually gets flagged within 12 hours. It’s not iilegal in any way and I am clear about that. It usually gets flagged after a guy my age tells me I’m missing out, etc but they have to understand that is not the theme of the show. It’s about older women and younger men.

Q: Have you ever had a successful relationship with a younger man?

Unless you call filing joint restraining orders succesful, then no.

We feature up-and-coming female comics (#femcoms) like the lovely Kari Assad.

Q: You have been working with www.dromebox.com for about a year and a half. Tell us about who helps you put Hello,Cougar together.

Ashley is my director, set designer and safety backup and she get’s the guys’ contact info. She is my friend in real life and I get to talk sex or shit with her all week. I have to remember this is not her only show. Nolan and Louis are cute Jewish brothers who run Drome with her. They are 100% supportive of the show and Nolan is my Andy Warhol. I appreciate him letting muses my age have shows. A lot of mature talent is side stepped in maintstream media. What these guys are doing for comedy in LA is as refreshing as Four Loco and I also produce a Thursday night stand up show there called Girls Drink Free. They are workaholics and compatible with other workaholics. Just leave Louis alone and let him work. I have a Director of Photography on the show who doubles as my Man-Pet but I’m going to keep his name out of the press for now.My dear friends Josh Fong and Dennis Devine have designed and edited the fuck out of the show for me, respectfully.

Q: How is your regular dating life going?

I am trying not to date right now because I am so focused and sexually active as part of the show, plus all I am going to talk about on the show is how fun and weird the show is, and I don’t think a guy wants to hear me talk about the guys I fuck while he buys me drinks. Then again, if that guy is reading this, definitley reach out.

Q: Good luck with the rest of the show

Cool, I have four more months so will wrap right before the holidays.
I am meeting a lot of nice guys and getting to bond with female comics so it’s all very interesting but I will be going home to spend time with my parents for Christmas. They don’t watch the show and we won’t be talking about it. In fact, we’ll barely be talking. I’m proud to be from Florida by way of England and growing up there got me ready for a lot of challenges I have faced such as low grade overdoses and trouble with the law. I can usually talk myself down from a panic attack by looking in the mirror and saying “You’re from Florida. You’ve smoked crack.”


The Dark Side of Children’s Parties

My show on Dromebox.com Kitten2cougar with Paris Kennedy wrapped a few weeks ago after over a year of Saturday midnights. She is incredibly busy with projects and if I begged her to keep showing up I’d be a shit friend. We loved doing the show for a year but she is going to be away so much of the Spring and Summer. I, however; will be right here, and have a new show called Hello, Cougar! premiering end of April. Paris and I remain best of friends, Valley-life partners and will be working soon on other silly, funny and naughty bits. It was great doing our talk show with the Drome crew every week, the comedians who guested, and Paris’ dear friend Tony was such a baller hooking us up with fun costumes. It got me thinking of some of my jobs when I was in my 20’s.
When I worked at a children’s theatre in the mall, I often dressed as Snow White and strolled around handimg out flyers. Sometimes I had a prince with me, other times he was too hungover. There was this Bavarian sandwich deli-type place (Maybe I should not use Bavarian and Deli together) called Spritzels that was big in the 80’s and 90’s and I used to go hard on their Swiss cheese sandwiches with pints of Warsteiner. I am not sure if this is what Snow White would eat and I didn’t give a fuck. Disney would have arrested me if they saw me in Spritzels smoking, drinking pints and chatting up non dwarves and the Spritzels Nazis weren’t too cool about it either. They told my boss I was scaring the kids and that I couldn’t come in my costume. I tried to lie my way out of it to the kid’s theatre admin but I was a few pints in and it was my slurred words against theirs. They fired me in my Snow White costume, which they let me keep as it had cigarette burns.
I put it to good use doing kids parties for this older dude who wanted to fuck me and all younger women. His name was Tony Ross and he has to be dead by now so I am not talking shit and I will say he had a heart to back up his pimp vibe. He hooked me up with some costumes like Barbie, the Little Mermaid and April O’Neal, the redheaded reporter with the Ninja Turtles. That was the toughest gig as the turtles were dicks, always late rolling up in some fogged out rape van smoking pot under the huge turtle heads til it turned to crack. I’d already had to stall the party for 40 minutes and they never appreciated April, claiming they could find another white girl and this was pre white guilt. I decided to show Michaelangelo, Donatello and the other dude what side their bread was buttered on.. Oh yeah, sometimes they would bring their dipshit neighbor playing the part of Shredder. He didn’t have the turtle ego but it was guilt by association and he was going to be out of a job, too. Due to my childrne’s theatre contacts, I knew a costumer who made me three new turtle suits for under a grand and I soon had Tony booking me and some straightedge types for the kiddie parties. I was making baller money as April but having the most fun as The Little Mermaid. I loved cruising through Miami beach in a long red wig with shells on my tits and cash flying all over the car. We did a lot of drug dealer family parties and often Ariel could be found in the bathroom with Dad, turns out he liked The Little Mermaid too, and she liked blow. This Ariel didn’t want to be where the people are.
While it’s easy to cross over to the dark side of children’s birthday parties, I have some memories even purer than South Beach cocaine in 1991. A girl of 9 wanted a party in the mall theatre (this was pre Spritzelsgate) and she had her own Alice in Wonderland Costume. That made two of us and together we played Alice’s past and future selves, with her birthday buddies acting out the Cheshire cat, the Red Queen, the Mock non Ninja Turtle, etc while I Morgan Freemaned and she starred. I could tell this was her favorite birthday yet. Her mom called me the next year and begged us to do it again but I was too busy going down the looking glass myself. I have a feeing she remembers her ninth birthday, though. I know I do and I hope that kid grew up and is doing everything she wants. She’d be pleased to know I am.
seen shit