Feed the Pussy

I love the art by Josh Fong. It’s so Valley

Guys don’t want to date me right now and I don’t blame them. I have not had even one coffee date this whole year which means it’s time to start doing freaky shit. Many supporters of Hello Cougar ask when it’s coming back. As of right now there are no plans to continue with it because Dromebox.com is now a full-time rental studio for TV and film projects and Craigslist has discontinued Casual Encounters so they do not get accused of Traffiking. The government can take away Casual Encounters but they cannot take away my memories. 36 men of Craigslist were a big part of Hello Cougar and our last show was in December of 2017, so it’s time.
Cookin’4 Pussy will be a PG-13 show (as long as that 13-year-old has had a really hard life) where guys with both amateur and professional culinary skills (preferably with a leaning toward humane farming practices) can submit video saying what meal you’d like to cook me (my place or yours, preferably yours) and I decide who I want to enjoy an evening of dinner and sex with. I am not filming any sex or nudity as this will be on my YOU TUBE. It will have dirty talk interviews in the spirit of Hello Cougar but it will basically be a cooking show where you get to show off your kitchen skills on camera and then your bedroom skills for me. In an effort to be less exploitive I will not use your pitch video if you are not picked for the project but please be between 21 and 50 and send a one to three minute video telling and or showing me what you would like to cook me and whatever else you want me to know to [email protected]. That “ie” on pussy is not me being girly, it’s just what Gmail allowed me to have and they run us, so…
Any questions hit me up at that email as well. Please really know how to cook, no making me order thru a Clown’s Mouth. This is a cooking show with a dash of sex. My only dietary restriction is dairy.

Email once again: [email protected]

Stepmom Knows Best

I’ve always had pussy drama.

Most women today have a vagina and some of them can be very sensitive. I can remember being a little girl and complaining to my mom about my pussy hurting and she did the best she could with assorted creams and home remedies in the 1970’s. I’m so glad I’m a big girl now and can google stuff. Here is how I deal with a touchy twat that I have known for almost 50 years.

1. Baby Wipes – What do you call a chick buying baby wipes but she has no babies? A slut… or maybe just the owner of a sensitive vagina. One of my porn star pals turned me onto wipes about a decade ago as they helped her keep that area calm on set. I go thru about 70 wipes a week. Definitely pick an unscented hypoallergenic brand like Seventh Generation or Honest Wipes or if you’re strapped for cash try Food 4 Less. It has a great selection of feminine protection including fragrance free. These can really help prevent a yeast infection, but if it goes there, Food4Less has generic creams and suppositories for that, too. Sometimes they have to use the key to take the good good out of the cabinet, but who cares. You’re in Food4Less. You’re shameless.
Always use a wipe or two after intercourse and be a sweetheart and dab his dick down, even let him have his own wipe, even an expensive brand.

2. Threelac – In my early 30’s yeast infections started being a big part of my life. My PH was off and any amount of moisture, tight jeans, sex, all the good stuff seemed to be sending me to the drugstore or the gyno to get the Diflucan pill. Quite a few co-pays in I found out about a chill powder that dissolves in your mouth a few times a day and helps restore your balance with its blend of probiotics. I had good experiences dealing with Mike Winnicki who is a distrubutor and gets your order out pronto. I am not even getting a pimping cut, that is how much I believe in this product (hint, Mike) Anyway, the powder has a low-key refreshing taste and Mike’s customer service is refreshing.

3. Pantyliners – when I started running about 5 years ago it was hell on my vag. It seemed the toned bod I was developing on the track always itched in the middle. I was running with this virgin in her early 20’s who had been taught culturally to keep herself extremely clean. When I was bitching about the risk of sweaty yoga pants she suggested a pantyliner when I ran. pretty soon I was wearing them 24/7. One word: UNSCENTED and I wonder if she’s still a virgin.

4. Folic Acid and B12 – Bacterial Vaginosis may not itch and burn like a yeast infection but it has a foul odor and according to a nurse I met at Kaiser who looked like a 70’s horror movie nurse (in a good way) yeast infections are an acid imbalance and BV is from alkaline issues. I would get BV from either using soap containing Sodium Laureth Sulfate (most soaps) or cum. I was having to go to Kaiser and go thru STD tests to be sure and then take Flagyl which worked right away on the BV, but you can’t drink with it so it helps your alcoholism as well, After several visits for this pussy drama, I googled that a Folic Acid B-12 combo can help regulate this problem so you can skip the Flagyl and keep partying. I was under 40 so I did. Now I avoid BV by not letting guys cum in me and I suggest you do the same. It’s overrated.

Now that momma has shared her seasoned advice for the ladies, let’s not leave the boys out. I have heard from several of my cubs that they found respectful casual sex situations off sites like Adult Friend Finder. Both guys and girls pay so it eliminates the spam and cam and you meet people serious about casual. Of course as a guy you have to put in the time but from my experience on there, younger men make connections, and if you read this entire article, you will have a much better understanding of vaginas and a leg up on the competition. Yes, I do get a cut of this even if you just click and check it out! No risk but if you pay to join and hook up, practice safety and kindness!
Click Here

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Hey Summer…You Whore!

The Boyz of Summer Comedy Special has arrived (notice that is Boyz with a “z.” I don’t want to piss off Don Henley) It features cubs from Hello Cougar, Comedian Maddie Hanson, me dancing with a werewolf and then receiving oral from said werewolf, and several different swimsuits, both one piece and bikini. I open the special in my very own “Haunted Speedo.” This is an odd piece of swimwear that truly belongs to me in that even smaller girls can’t get it on. This was an expensive item for me at about $50 retails but that’s the price you pay for monogamy. The rest of my suits are from Ebay or Tarjay. Enjoy, thru up a comment, subscribe, post it, spank to it. The special contains no nudity but I age restricted it on You Tube for mature content that is extremely silly, and of course check out Hello Cougar Saturdays at Dromebox 11pm PT, like tonight for example.

Both babes tweet @SusanSaiger and @Jennifer Valley

Drome and I are currently developing a retro dating show but we have been running Girls Drink Free for almost two years. I have had chance to work with over 150 talented women and a few shitty ones. Two of my favorites and new friends are these troublemakers, Jennifer Vally and Susan Saiger. I have known Jen for years as she was this hot babe when I got into comedy and she seemed to stop aging then and there (half-Asian bitch) and when she turned up with her buddy Susan Saiger I felt like I’d known Susan for years..truth was I kind of had. Susan starred in what is pretty much my favorite movie ever, 1989’s Scenes From The Class Struggle in Beverly Hills. I paid to see it twice at the theatre and you know how cheap I am. She was actually in several Paul Bartel flicks and is a classically trained actress who also does kick-ass stand up in LA and Vegas and look for her and Jen on the Cool Moms Comedy Tour. I must she she was really cool about me going into fan-girl mode quoting lines from Class Struggle. You guys are invited to have me in your face for the next two Thursdays 9pm PT for Girls Drink Free at Drome.

The Cool Moms hit the road

Can’t Keep a Good Coug Down!

It’s back.. the show that makes my friends talk shit behind my back (which I am totally cool with.) Hello Cougar is back on www.dromebox.com this Saturday night at 11pm, moving it up an hour for the East Coast, least we can do – those guys are way too far from Winnetka to bone me. It’s not the show where I play a character who has sex with much younger men, it’s the show where I LITERALLY (millenial speak) pick up guys on Craigslist, interview them and then have a SAFE casual encounter with them. This is reality check TV that explores the now-trending-more-than-ever-in-this-shitty-economy cougar/cub dynamic. Check us out Saturday nights and if you want to be part of the revolution and are a man between 18 to 30 email me at my cougarbox @ [email protected]. Dreamers, don’t worry. Trump’s not watching. Older guys, check out the hot female comics on our show. They could use benefactors. Watch our sizzle reel below to see what you’re getting yourself into.

Love for Larry

I’m jazzed about this vid!

I had the great experience of hosting a benefit for a true fan of comedy, Larry Dunn, a couple of months back hosted by Comedy Resin and Philo Films and Issues. The gig went down at Sal’s Comedy Hole and it’s one of a few efforts we have had there to get Larry a van. He needs a van to get to his volunteer position as well as visit his family and come out and support live comedy (which in LA is considered a good cause) Larry has seen my comedy grow thru the years and long before I was hosting a benefit for him he watched me at Flappers. I want him to have the van so he can pile his buddies in it and we will have the best crowd ever to play to.
It really hit home to me because I have dated so many dudes who have car issues and are not motivated to take the bus. Larry is dealing with incredible physical obstacles and still takes the bus to get to his job helping others at the Rancho Los Amigos Rehabilitation Center. I wish we lived in a world where someone as productive as Larry could be given his own van by the government but we don’t. If comics or anyone reading this would give a little to his Go Fund Me it would make my day and I can tell you Larry will make it a point to give back by supporting you at a gig. Please check out Larry’s GO FUND ME and be the baller you want to be.

Have a Heart

Happy Valentine’s day. I killed my husband.

February is upon us. It is still not too late to date and dump me before Valentine’s Day. The holidays are hell on casual sex and fake relationships in that guys are either afraid to take them on in any form or he’s some sort of love junkie pussy who is going to use the holiday to intensify his psychosis. Either way…you’re fucked. I try and put a positive spin on it and say when you phase me out on Feb 12th, I won’t take it personally. It’s all about the time of year and I don’t need to learn and grow as a person! I know who has my heart on Valentine’s and it’s Dromebox.com where you can catch all 33 episodes of Hello Cougar on demand and my Valentine’s special will premiere Saturday February 11th at midnight PT!

This is so uncomfortable.

Presents are a wierd and scary way to gage where a guy is on the spectrum of giving a rat’s ass about you. You’re damn right we read into things! If I have been seeing a guy for a month or so (rare) and some holiday comes up I will usually buy him something for say $30 and then a five buck backup. If he shows up empty handed, he gets the backup.This is a fun little system I shared with my mum where you get to have the experience of shopping for your man with an emotional safety net (and make sure the five dollar gift is a little hateful, like soap) This may sound like a hassle to guys, but we’re girls, loving nurturers who live to shop! I have often told my male comic friends to set up a wish list and get ready to clean up like a Motherfucker. In fairness, I only love to shop for myself but if I buy you something you can bet I really like you and you’re going to crush me!


Now some guys don’t like to accept gifts from women they are having casual sex with, and those same guys would never buy a fuck buddy a present, you are so beyond lucky to get an eCard, and while I understand you need to walk away clean and say day you never led her on (and are probably a cheap fuck, too) I feel like you should at least buy a girl a present if it is something you need for your casual sexual relationship, especially it involves butt duty. Really takes the edge off. and I’m not just talking about the pain, both dull and sharp at the same time, of taking a dick in your ass. Anal is work, so do your part. I have been asked to buy my own butt plugs, fast for a day, and wait around for sodomy. I did none of these but would have been a lot more inclined if I had been gifted with the set below. Whether or not this is an appropriate gift for Valentine’s Day depends on her sense of humor. I’m talking about the kind of giving that should be going on year round.Click and buy. If only butt sex could be that simple.


But if handling the big VD Dinner feels a little too official with the reservations, too many rules! (you’re dealing with enough of that if you’re still living with your parents int his economy. I feel the struggle of the beaten-down cub) there are affordable options to show you care for and respect a woman but don’t ever see yourself as being her father figure. Those name necklaces are retro chic and if you’re dark AF (and don’t like the thought of randoms knowing her name) go here. I’m not getting a cut off these. This is just me trying to help out fellas of all ages by turning them onto a present I would really love, a present that expresses mad respect for an independent women who you never want to have to support. By all means check out METAL TABOO.

I wonder if they’d make me a custom one that says, OLD WHORE, one of my ex’s pet names for me. Oh hell, I’m having a panic attack. Look, no matter which way you go on Valentine’s Day, be mine at midnight on Drome!