Creep Aid

 

great big fat person

Having your own place makes you way more dateable. 

When I was growing up in the great 80’s the word “creepy” was used a lot less and sometimes as a compliment. If a horror film was creepy it had done it’s job. Now the new c-word is used on the daily, usually describing a guy no one wants to date, no one that he’s scoping out, anyway.  As someone who’s dated a lot of legit creepy guys, and can put out a strong creeper vibe herself, I’m about to pass on some pro tips to help fellas avoid the Raidohead song being your anthem (Although it’s eerily beautiful, and it’s still cool to be eerie!)

free lotion

Some dates involve lotion.

1. GOOD TIMES!  Don’t bring up something unpleasant as a lead in. If she had a baby at 17 don’t ask how he’s doing in school. Don’t even bring up the day job. If she quit stand-up, ask about improv. We don’t want to talk about what we miss, unless it’s a dude, and even you’re not sick enough to ask that. Stop being a bad trip spirit a guide. It’s not concern; it’s creeping.

2. WORRY WARTS (HPV) And furthermore, don’t play the cloying-ass worried card.  Once in a while a guy rolls out a “Hey, Stranger.” While this a retro guilt trip at best, at least he’s not playing the nice guy card who adds one more item to your to-do-list. 1. Avoid cops 2. Feed pets 3. Text dude so he can rest tonight.  Hmmm, he didn’t text back cause he already jerked himself to sleep and now he’s got a lead in for the morning.  Don’t be showing out with phoney fretting about her commute unless you’re a DUI attorney.

buffalo

 What a guy does in his private time is private.

3. EGG BEATERS – Own it – fertilize your fucking Twitter egg with a pic! Social media affords us many stalker opps so you no longer have to rely on “I was in the neighborhood.”  When notified of a tweet saying she’ll be in Hollywood tonight, there is no need to play it cool and say “Hey, I was gonna be at Mann’s Chinese…   This is not serendipity; it’s stalking lite. Social Media allows us to put it out there and if you get the feeling you’re not the fly she was trying to catch, she may be too exquisite a spider for you. You may need to find out where that house spider is weaving tonight and social networks expose natural habitats.

spidrtyp[1]

That being said if you’re on the same dating site play that shit cool… pipe down on the peeping tom potential. “He,y I saw you logged onto Plenty of Fish” has an  element of outing and slut shaming going on. It’s like your chastising us for being naked with the blinds up while you’re rubbing one out in the bushes. Sorry to making so many masturbation references. I’m bitter that guys can do it without power tools.

sewing

Guys with hobbies and/or crafts are intriguing.

4. CENSUS – Sure, I’m heartfelt giving tips on how a nice guy with no game can avoid being scary, but a lot of these hoops need never be jumped thru. Chances are the girl you’re crushing on is out of your league. You know this but society has trained you to go for it anyway, and we get so many beauty and the beast couples as role models that guys can get confused. Unless you are hilarious (easy test: is everyone always laughing around you, and not just out of fear) and/or have money, you need to look at the numbers. If you have a cool platonic female friend ask her what your looks are on a scale of 1 to 10 and then go two points lower for THE TRUTH. Chasing anyone who is more than two points higher than you is a waste of your time unless you have deep pockets.

You:  Hey, Paige (Platonic friend, good eco-minded lady) I’m interested in how you’d rate my looks on a scale of 1 to 10. Be honest.

Paige: Oh, well, hmm, (looking around for backup) You have really nice hair and great eyes, I’d have to say 7 but if you were taller I’d give you an 8, not that you are short but this town is just so picky, oh now I feel bad…

You: Sorry if I made you feel bad. Let’s get some coffee.

Paige: Oh, there’s my boyfriend, see ya.

Now it’s your turn to do the math.  Paige kindly said 7. Are you wealthy – not yet.  Are you hilarious- just cause you have a weed card doesn’t make you the life of the party.  You’re an LA 5.  You lean too hard on anything above a 7 – you’re gonna look like a creeper.  But take it from me, 7’s are AMAZING.

precious

Pets show you a guy can get attached.

5. PAUL WALKER- if you look like him or any of his siblings they were hitting up to do stunts after he died, you can be as creepy as you wanna be.  It’s not even creepy it’s passionate, active, alive, engaged, focused and a bunch of other things chicks love.  Work out eat right, dress cool and you’ll take the edge off creepy. If you’re just damn gorgeous, it’s so hard for you to creep it up. Jake Gyllenhall lost thirty pounds and wore a half-assed man bun in Nightstalker, yet felt barely quirky. Then again, my pussy has housed more pathology than Spawn Ranch in Reseda. If you’re too young to know where that is- let’s get a drink.

It takes more than a man-bun to scare me.

man bun

 

Check me out every Sunday night at my great new open mic @The Pig N’ Whistle on Hollywood Boulevard.

GETLIVEFLYER2

 

 

 

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