Kids Not Trending


Rough Delivery with Christina Carter

People have wanted me to have their baby.  Directors, athletes, and, obviously, Satan.  I shouldn’t have to list these credits but guys in this town think once a woman hits forty she’s desperately seeking deposits. Even if I were to want kids, at my age a child may have some issues, cause the guys I date are fucking retarded.  I’m grateful to live in an economy where men have learned to pull out – especially younger guys, many of whom are the results of their dads ballin’ in the Clinton years, living well and finishing in fiances’ vaginas. These kids then grew up t0 see their party parents get laid then laid  off.   Men of all ages now are busting their asses working 50 hours a week and still are not making enough money to start a family. Lots of these consider cougars and it would seem like the older woman gets to be a placeholder while they save up for marriage to a young chick, but that would be preferential to what’s really going on. Guys are working too many hours to even get laid. You’re only shot is to find some young dude with an EBT card.  The state is his sugar daddy and he’s DTF. (EBT = DTF)  But no matter if he’s working, hustling or on the dole (U.K. hustle) if he’s not ready to commit to a girl his age he’s not looking to be a dad. Another hint is if he’s calling you “Mom” while you’re fucking around, not ready to be a dad. Also guys who wear adult diapers for fun, not incontinence, are not going to be coaching their son’s little league any time soon.  Fatherhood is not for every dude, and many women just want huge things enetering their vaginas, not emerging from after nine months of sobriety. Okay, eight and half months. I haven’t had sex sober since ever.

One of my earliest memories of childhood was how I did not want to have babies. Before I even figured out how babes were made (My parents did not have that talk with me. We’re British.I learned it in sex ed from a lesbian PE teacher) I knew it wasn’t my jam. People insist you will change but I don’t even want to be around other people’s kids. They then tell you you’ll love your own. People are so determined to get everyone breeding they basically say It’s okay to hate children, have one and root exclusively for him or her – like a pageant mom.  Hey pageant moms- if you are too old to enter even adult beauty contests and still need to feel validated about your looks be an escort or do MILF porn or both. You’re creating a monster in your image. Then again, if you’re the kind of mom who wants to spend quality time with her kid and your kid really wants to pose in costumes, I don’ see that much wrong with it. I modeled for catalogues as a kid and never had any bad experiences, not that my Mom ever left me alone with a photographer. I think she might have gotten felt up.

I’ve been kidnapped and turkey basted by a Special Olympics Splinter Group.

baby 03

A staggeringly attractive friend recently told me she was pregnant. That’s a lie, I found out through the grapevine as I’m too strung out to pick up the phone.  I tend to gravitate toward other childless women so there is always some intitial shock. Then I saw my friend was really happy about it. As  I mentioned she’s great looking, as is her husband- first thing I notice- so that brings me comfort that her child will have an easier time finding validation and they will make sure the kid is well rounded, not just sporting tight genes. Speaking of hustling, they have promised I can take pictures with the baby. Maybe check in with some of the guys I went bareback with over the last year or so, and see if they want to pitch in. I’m not looking for actual child support, but maybe a Starbucks card.

As a person who is always on the lookout for adult fun, I don’t mind if the odd kid makes a cameo, but my general rule is “Not in my house, not around my pets.” The coolest thing about kids, to me, is stuff like The Pregnant Man, Octomom, or those two people who hated thier marriage and popped out one band-aid after another.  You know the show- Jerk and Cunt plus 8. Keep them on reality TV and far away from me. Unlike benzodiazepines, I have a hands-off approach towards infants, toddlers, and anyone for that matter who asks too many questions and can’t drive. My friends who have kids would never make me watch them because they know I have an empty fridge and no toilet paper. This eliminates the threat of disruption and I feel free to be fun and at least let kids enjoy me. I’m not quite your favorite auntie, I’m your mystery auntie. I think there are many women in the world who live completely fulfilled lives without having children, and then there are people like me – who don’t want to have your baby.

 This week I am at the Comedy Store on Sunset on Weds. and Fri and Tao Comedy Studio on Saturday.





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