My first date with Chad as dramatized by Exploding Pumpkins

 First dates make many people nervous and they wish they could just get thru them. I cherish the first date because there’s often not a second. Besides, I’ve earned it. The initial interest on the dating site, the emails, the texting – not wanting to say or hear too much vs. the basic human need to connect, being too ladylike to send a pussy pic but needing to prove you are penis free, (I call this the “I-don’t-have-a-dick shot”) requiring you to tilt your pubic mound at a precisely legit angle, we’ve all been there,and by the time you have made it to the first date you’re so damn proud of yourself you deserve get loaded!  And sometimes you need to get loaded. Guys are grateful I look like my picture, maybe not quite as good but the only thing they can accuse me of is being photogenic. I was honest and now it’s their turn.   The same guy who sent you 15 dick pics will ask if it’s okay to “put it all out there.” The truth is he’s just gotten out of a relationship, not ready for another one, busy, with school, job, errands. I repsect the truth I don’t have to like it. Cocktails!  It’s not like being broken up with on the first date it is being broken up with on the first date. Alcohol helps those pesky abandonment issues from flaring up. He’s buying I’m drinking, and we party on. Most first dates last about 45 minutes. I can get along with anyone famously for 45 minutes, even if in order to get  to know them better I have to sign a DTF prenup. Still, no pressure, except the pressure to do a shot or two, twist my arm – I’m numb,  and the guy lets  you know that if casual’s not working, you can get up and walk away. Except I can’t. I’ve had eight Long Islands. This is when you find out he lives really nearby.  Hmmm. some would call it subterfuge but this attention junkie is flattered and now I get to play the helpless, vulnerable shitfaced 45 year old.  One guy lived so nearby it felt like we walked out the bar and were immediately in his home.  He Lion, Witched and Wardrobed me! ( Such a great book – probably the last book I read)  After we bond a bit more depending on what booze he has at the house, we get down to the sex, which is his chance to break out a bucket list of every nasty thing he wants to do before he meets a nice girl. This is what I get for telling him I’m from Florida! Some of it I go for, some of it I wriggle out of as I can only be so cool for free. Cooler costs. I wish some guy would realize charity begins at home, in his bedroom.  When we’re done screwing I try and convince myself it was great for me too, and I take on a dude persona, high fiving my cell mate before I hit the road. He’s understandably forgotten that I’m a girl. I need to wear pink or a bow. “Text me when you get home” is the new cuddling, and were back to texts. I’m glad I did it, jazzed somewhere between a five mile run and doing stand up. It’s better than being married and on the drive home I check my sobriety by repeating with phone manners, “Central Casting- NEXT!”

I can be seen this weekend at The Comedy Store, Tao Comedy Studios and The Icehouse.