Scarlett looks like everyone wished Amanda Seyfriend got to look in Lovelace

This is a regular part of my blog where I go and see a movie (this is almost as rare as a blog post) and give the lowdown on the smut, cougaring action and kink involved.  Last week I went to see Don Jon, written, directed by and starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. That’s an ambitious A-list and desperate D-list move.  Even before the movie started things were good in that my friend had paid for tickets online and I didn’t have to deal with the usual date bullshit of “I forgot my wallet,” or balls-out sneaking in. I’ve gone out with guys who haven’t paid for a movie since Y2K.  It was cool to not have to crouch down or pretend to be sick to not have to pay for a movie. We just walked right in. My friend got popcorn and a big soda but hadn’t brought a flask. I suddenly missed my exes. Oh well- here we are ready to watch a sexy “date movie” stone cold sober. Let’s do this!

Don Jon’s the pick of the litter

As you know from the trailers Don Jon is about a Jersey-style  dude ( Levitt, who looks half -Asian) who loves porn and getting laid, but once you watch the movie you find out it’s in that order. This guy is pretty hot for where he lives or at least hotter than his friends and can take chicks home from the bar without Klonopin.  I have actually noticed how handsome Gordon Levitt or whatever the fuck his names are before but I didn’t like him acting like he was the shit with that whole G.E.D.s are for pussies vibe so I wasn’t attracted to him in this movie.  I like wiggas not guidos, WORD, and he is easily the hottest guy in the movie.  The second best looking dude is an out-of-shapish brother and third a guy who looks like Sonny from Grease. Oh yeah Tony Danza looks great but I’m not into many older dudes, especially when you can see thier lip gloss, but movie make up is a whole other post.  Just be warned Don Jon is not man-candy land.  The guys and lesbians get a much bigger treat as Scarlett Johansson looks amazing. Jersey girls- I do think are sexy. I’m not bi but I think anyone who spends that much time getting ready deserves to be called sexy, and from havin done a little time in the fetish scene I know guys go crazy about a beautiful, dominant woman and will gladly let her wear their balls for earrings. Chicks- if your boyfriend is watching this movie more than once, he’s probably a bitch – and you probably already know that. This was the main thrust of the movie though, not his porn addiction, but the track that a woman gets a man on to where it has very little to do with who he actually is. I think this is an interesting social phenomenon as I see many of my friends have the house, the kids and hubby’s the walking dead.  I never wanted to do this to a guy- but I understand why it’s necessary. When guys do this to women it’s called domestic violence.

Danza should have spanked him. It would have been kind of hot

Don Jon complains how girls don’t like to take too long giving blowjobs, all want  the guy on top doing all the work, and no one wants cum on them. I watched this and felt impressed wth how slutty I was, the real deal. The porn he watched was pretty vanilla, T & A shit but I was wondering if the porn was shot for the movie or if they licensed a bunch of  Euro stuff, as that’s how a lot of it looked. I googled this but could not find out the answer. Surley some pervert out there knows. Don Jon humped Scarlett’s butt and blew a wad on his jeans because she wouldn’t have sex with him unless he signed up for night school. Later in the movie when he has sex with someone else he almost cries.  These parts weren’t hot at all. As far as comedy, it wasn’t laugh out loud funny, more just cute. if you’re on a date it doesn’t do much to relieve the tension, especially if you’re with some cute fucker who actually paid for the movie. It’s entertaining and stays with you but more amusing than funny. Usually idiots are cracking up all throught the movie theatre, but that wasn’t  the case, although the crowd was well-behaved. It’s sexed up so I am surprised there was not a streaker or at least a flasher.  Now here is something you do have to worry about, SPOILER ALERT- if you watch the trailer you will see that Julianne Moore has a supporting role. In the trailer she comes across a a friend who helps him wise up, not the whole story! Julianne is a hot coug in this flick with a major agenda, and she used her weed, her sense of humor and even hooks Don Jon up with free porn. The bitch works as hard as I do to get young ass.  I would have loved it but my date was younger (duh) and it now looked like I was trying to brainwash him. It’s not all Don Jon’s fault but that guy is never gonna call me. Oh yeah he’s young he just texts, but you get the point.  If you’re trying to be an under-the- radar cradle robber, this is not your date movie! Also not a good movie to take the family to, unless you’re into incest.   I liked Don Jon and thought it was well done but like the OCD lead character the laughs are wound too tightly. Also I would have appreciated the heads-up on the older woman/younger man action. I’m not saying make the trailer into a Cougarlife.com commerical, but if I can’t pick up on that shit, you’re really holding out.  I’d give Don Jon two and half stars on whatever scale you’re avoiding.

Thanks for not getting me laid, fuckers!