In the Gut Room before I started exercising obsessively

 I perform in several clubs around town.  Here’s how I would rate the clubs in a few different categories:

1. Favorite Stage- I would say the O.R., the Original Room at the Comedy Store. It is dark, cool and wide while still being shallow so the crowd’s not too far away.  You’re nicely lighted but you can’t see them that much and you feel like you go into your own little world with people watching from three quarters.  It’s as if you are the subject of voyeurs and can get a  thrill off it. Okay, maybe not you- but I can. I’m not calling anyone a pervert. Hecklers are a real annoyance in this room, like a peeping Toms with tourettes, espcecially jarring.   

2. Best Drinks- This goes to the Icehouse. They use the biggest glasses cause size matters.  They are career bartenders, not pissed off comics. They are hot like Tom Cruise in cocktail, but straight. They have a special drink for me called “Sally” ( I know- real creative. Who cares…look at them) and they ask me how strong I want the drink made everytime. Some guys ask me by number , others by color of the drink. Hot young dudes making me Adios Motherfuckers to my specifications is what I would imagine heaven to be like if I sat around picturing an afterlife. I’m kind of scared to because if there are afterlives, I may be going to a hot place where I am tortured by the janitor.

3. Best and worst parking – The Comedy Store. I have a spot in the lot but if you don’t, you’re screwed. I used to have to use the pay lots and when I was broke, meters. It’s pretty humiliating to be hosting a show and have to run off to feed your meter. Getting caught in the rain running down Sunset and getting back to the Belly Room panting does not exactly give the show a polished look, as I am the host. Usually you hate the comics who run the light but when you parked past the Pink Dot you’re so happy these kind of  “One more before I go” assholes exist. They also have guys working the lot who will help me move my car at the end of the night. Sometimes we make out. I was so happy the store gave me a parking spot when I turned 40. Now it’s sad in a different way.

4. Best Food- Flappers, clearly Flappers. They have a full menu, not just bar food.  The observe the “Two Item Minimum” so the crowd eats. That’s better than hungry, crabby people. On the other hand the regular meals crowd don’t get as loaded, but here’s the deal- I don’t eat and I’m getting nice and wasted, so when glazed over food coma types are not laughing at my jokes, I’m numbed out.   Who needs comfort food when you have Long Island Ice Teas brought ot you by Jeffrey, my favorite waiter in the world.  I have never heard anyone bitch about the food or seen someone throw up and since I have to walk by the kicthen at points, I can tell you the cooks wear hairnets. Apparently the cookies are delicious. You can either be a foodie or an alkie. My choice is clear.

5. Best toilets- This goes to Bar Lubitsch who have sexy as fuck toilets that make you feel like you’re in Berlin before the war or at least The Museum of Tolerance. They have two big roomy stalls and cool tiles. It’s not just a place to piss, it’s place to strut while you hum “Mack the Knife.”  You walk into the club and say hey to handsome Freddy, the barman, and you go right ot the bathroom cause you drove from Winnetka and then you get your vodka on.  Admit it- you want to be me, and somedays I wish you could be, but not when I play Bar Lubitsh. This is the best bathroom since Michelle Pfeiffer’s in Scarface!